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what do you do when you want
human interaction, connection
but fear people overall?
even fearing the kindness of others
i often have felt like i wasn't
supposed to be here in this universe
some would call me depressed,
i laugh at that description
most times it is only loneliness,
other times it's the chains that
have bound me to the ground
since i was a teenager
and sometimes still it is
living in a world of deceit and hatreds
i don't celebrate my own birthday
in fact, i dislike my birthday
i will go to my family celebration of it
but i would be fine either with or without
not that i'm afraid of age and getting older
human interaction, connection
but fear people overall?
even fearing the kindness of others
i often have felt like i wasn't
supposed to be here in this universe
some would call me depressed,
i laugh at that description
most times it is only loneliness,
other times it's the chains that
have bound me to the ground
since i was a teenager
and sometimes still it is
living in a world of deceit and hatreds
i don't celebrate my own birthday
in fact, i dislike my birthday
i will go to my family celebration of it
but i would be fine either with or without
not that i'm afraid of age and getting older
i actually like being this age
but rather it's a constant reminder of
a bad decision i made as a teenager
that still affects me to this day
the shadow that i walk in every day
it's too bad that the only way to learn
in life is to make mistakes and bad choices
and sometimes those mistakes and
bad choices are the worst of all to make
like the decision i made once to for me
and my friends to cross a busy highway
at night and all of us made it across except one
she stopped in the median you see
i think, to fix her sandals
and then immediately she started to run across to us
while a car came along at 65+ miles per hour
my eyes witnessing her body flip like a doll
my mind short circuiting in and out of
consciousness...post traumatic stress amnesia
several periods of time where i can recollect nothing
like time stopped, one second i'm sitting on the
ground and the next second i'm in the back of a
police car being given a ride to the police
station to give my official statement on the
events that occurred that lead to what happened
all the mistakes ive made that i've never been
able to forgive myself for
and the shame that goes along with those mistakes
i wouldn't ever hurt anyone in anyway
even the times ive been forced to defend myself
i have felt horrible about
to injure someone is such a horrible feeling
worse than when i feel physical pain
i wasn't meant for this world
my heart is far too big for such
incredibly small spaces
i think that i came to this world just wanting
to be loved and accepted for who i am
but that has been a pipe dream
oh there's been those that have said they did
but always their actions proved otherwise
nothing lasts forever....life, friends, love
all like vapors of steam that rise and disappear
and so i sit encased by 4 walls and a window
alone wondering why life has to be this way
why a middle aged man sits in a room alone
in isolation for nearly 2 years straight
afraid of the hunters
afraid of people, of life
a scared, injured animal hidden away to heal or die
withered, weakened, worn down
love is a cloud that billows in spring skies
dumping down on us, but eventually that rain
stops and the cloud is gone
but rather it's a constant reminder of
a bad decision i made as a teenager
that still affects me to this day
the shadow that i walk in every day
it's too bad that the only way to learn
in life is to make mistakes and bad choices
and sometimes those mistakes and
bad choices are the worst of all to make
like the decision i made once to for me
and my friends to cross a busy highway
at night and all of us made it across except one
she stopped in the median you see
i think, to fix her sandals
and then immediately she started to run across to us
while a car came along at 65+ miles per hour
my eyes witnessing her body flip like a doll
my mind short circuiting in and out of
consciousness...post traumatic stress amnesia
several periods of time where i can recollect nothing
like time stopped, one second i'm sitting on the
ground and the next second i'm in the back of a
police car being given a ride to the police
station to give my official statement on the
events that occurred that lead to what happened
all the mistakes ive made that i've never been
able to forgive myself for
and the shame that goes along with those mistakes
i wouldn't ever hurt anyone in anyway
even the times ive been forced to defend myself
i have felt horrible about
to injure someone is such a horrible feeling
worse than when i feel physical pain
i wasn't meant for this world
my heart is far too big for such
incredibly small spaces
i think that i came to this world just wanting
to be loved and accepted for who i am
but that has been a pipe dream
oh there's been those that have said they did
but always their actions proved otherwise
nothing lasts forever....life, friends, love
all like vapors of steam that rise and disappear
and so i sit encased by 4 walls and a window
alone wondering why life has to be this way
why a middle aged man sits in a room alone
in isolation for nearly 2 years straight
afraid of the hunters
afraid of people, of life
a scared, injured animal hidden away to heal or die
withered, weakened, worn down
love is a cloud that billows in spring skies
dumping down on us, but eventually that rain
stops and the cloud is gone
what is in a word?
what is in a heart that gives and gives?
what is in a heart that gives and gives?
what is in a life in isolation
with no one to talk to, no one to care?
maybe i am nothing more then a mistake
a mistake like the ones i've made my entire life
was a windy day today
cold winds creeping through cracks into the house
the girl cat frequently and politely asking for attention
more often today then usual
my head still rings and the loneliness still hovers
i feel sad and defeated
i'm 6 foot 1 inch tall, and yet i feel microscopic
unseen, unheard, and not loved
oh well, i abstain
with no one to talk to, no one to care?
maybe i am nothing more then a mistake
a mistake like the ones i've made my entire life
was a windy day today
cold winds creeping through cracks into the house
the girl cat frequently and politely asking for attention
more often today then usual
my head still rings and the loneliness still hovers
i feel sad and defeated
i'm 6 foot 1 inch tall, and yet i feel microscopic
unseen, unheard, and not loved
oh well, i abstain
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