Friday, January 22, 2021

1-22-2021 some dumb journal entry

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and some days we look back and dream
dream of what was and want again
those memory lane days
for me i just wanna feel those
normal days, feeling connected and desired
experiencing the long conversation days
enjoying another's company days
those happy no plans to do anything except
let the day plan for us what to do
dancing in a field together with no shoes on
those time don't exist days
getting lost in company and conversations
a look at the stars, a look into eyes
a glimpse into the eternity of time
a saving grace
a suffocating soul of isolation
withering heart and mind
his days feel like they're stuck in a loop
even his words seem like they too
are stuck in an endless loop
well, was a wet day today with the off 
and on again sprinkling showers
colder temperatures today
as for the skies?
well, i'm not sure, i never looked outside
am sure i sure could use some sunshine
on my face and skin
i miss going for walks and hiking
i miss seeing things and doing things
today was one of those melancholy
feeling absolutely nothing days
even now, my mind absent of emotion
probably why my words seem like they too 
are withering
hospital bills and student loans
and life in isolation
a picnic with the mind
i see a single tree with only a few leaves left on it
and i can see the fear in the tree of the wind
my head still rings and pulses or so it feels
i just thought that i could use a vacation
how funny....
how dumb of me and my old brain
i don't think i ever learned what it feels like to
get a pat on the back or a commendation
or to be praised for anything
im not even sure i'd know how to properly respond
to such things if they were to ever occur
....now there's a strange and sad thought
not sure why that popped into my old brain
run fast down that trail dear charley
but be sure not to fall down
run fast down that hill old boy
don't let your bones break
howl out loud at the sky old boy
cry out and yell for all to hear
howl out loud in vain
i watch the days pass like cars on a highway
i watch and wait for better days
all the while thinking about inevitability
as the weight and stress piles on and the clock 
strikes midnight, night after night
i try to reminisce on better days
but better days are like the moon
so far away but i can still see them
and the one ive tried to bury away
the one that destroyed me with her ways and words
she wont stop visiting me in my dreams when i sleep 
and sometimes in my thoughts randomly during the day
ive no idea why and it's so strange that it still occurs
....that is yet another kind of torture
what's in a mind?
what's in a heart?
what's in a soul that cries out for love
and is only met with crushing blows?
shelled peanuts have more substance
haha
oh well, another day of the days


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