as usual and for best results
scroll down and click play
if the song is not auto-playing
words were swirling around
thoughts hovering and lingering
but i sit down to write them,
and they hide away
hide to spaces and places
of my mind i'm not aware of
and so i've sat here for a bit wondering
what those thoughts and words were
well, i feel melancholy again today
sort of a blank haze like a fog
a fog in night's light
vision obscured....diminished
i used to love going for walks in the fog
cool temperatures and damp fog
at least the skies have been in my favor
with the overcast greys and off white colours
although i didn't actually look or go outside
physically i feel tired, and my head still rings
what happened to the boy...
the one that used to ride on his Tonka
the all steel yellow Tonka dump truck
and the lacquered wooden floor of the hall
what happened to the boy...
the one dumb enough to stick his finger
into a red hot car cigarette lighter
and to this day has a T shaped scar there
ironic his name also starts with a T
even more ironic is he has floaters
in his eyes and one of them is also
shaped like a T
what happened to the boy...
the one that got left behind by ritalin
and damage and pains and abuses
that boy is lost somewhere out there
and all that is left is a shell
a book that has pages falling out
an empty shelf
no pictures or trophies or accomplishments
no family or friends or place to call home
i sail on seas like blood in veins
i choke on words and breaths in vain
i wish on stars and dream the same
i weep and i cry to find my own name
stars and dreams that aren't real
and that wont ever be real
sometimes i feel like if anything is to
change for me, that it would have to be
that someone would have to prove to me
that somewhere, someone does care
prove to me that i wont get tossed aside
like worn shoes or an empty cup
prove to me that i wont get crushed and destroyed
the way all the others have done,
friends and romantic partners alike
and so i fear everything in every way
and people too...of course people too
this isolation was once comforting
but now it's a source of malcontent
now that i've decided to maintain a sober life
and if i were to face the fears
i haven't the slightest clue on how to
go about meeting new people
where to go, what to do
the sound of it automatically fills me
with awkward thoughts and embarrassments
makes me want to sign up to be the first to colonize mars
melancholy...a word that sounds nothing like what it means
sounds like it would be some kind of joyful song
well, my head rings and my eyes droop
while the bed calls for my body to warm it up
and yet another midnight comes and goes
another day gone forever
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