scroll down and click play
if the song is not
already auto-playing
thank you for your attention
warm blood into a cold heart
cold wind on warm skin
around in circles like ball bearings
'twas an uneventful day
i mowed the grass and edged
first the backyard, and then the front
those first two lines going
through my mind in circles
during the entire time
sometimes in a variation
i was undecided on why it was
and rather neutral about it as well
but throughout the day,
off and on, it would enter my mind
so i figured why not write it out
and it's funny that nothing else came
to mind along with it,
just those two lines and nothing more
anyway, i see the world from afar
so distanced i am
seems as if i were on a mountain
peak looking down into a valley
a valley where a city sits
i can't see the people,
but i can see the lights of activity
movements of lights
turning off or on
some days ago, i forced myself
to go to the grocery store
my eye fixed on signs
almost unaware of the other people
that were in the store
until i nearly bumped into one
to which i promptly apologized
and nodded my head
and quickly walked on
i only saw that they had white shoes on
as of late i no longer imagine others
in the way i used to
see someone and think of who they are
and what they may have been through
i just keep my head down
i do miss a nice stroll through a park
sitting on a park bench
and just being a human being
smiling at people that might walk by
oh but the conflict is harsh
go out and live so that history can repeat
or stay sheltered and lonely
safe from even more damage to my
already mangled feelings and emotions
i sometimes think, whenever i see my
birth certificate, that i shouldn't have been born
i think about all the mistakes and bad decisions
ive made throughout my life
i think about some of my inabilities
and i think about how my mind is
the intricacies of how i think and what i think
it's also sad for me to think, im even somewhat
fearful of going to a counselor
of opening up to someone just to get tossed aside
or to just be looked at as just a case file in a cabinet
as has happened to me my entire life
as a toddler, wanting and needing attention from mom,
but because mom was busy with newborn sister,
she had not the time to deal with me
and i would always fall asleep on the floor
and as i got older, with women, needing and wanting love
needing and wanting acceptance and affection from them
but just getting left behind picking up the pieces of my heart
and then some of the abuse from back then
all various ways/forms of abuse
oh well, my eyes are tired and my mind aches
the cat begs for bedtime petting and attention
attention that i give gladly since i know how it feels to want
attention, to want love, and acceptance, and yet to get none
well, i enjoy the spring season with the warmer temperatures
and the sounds of life springing back into order
albeit, from the view of a bedroom window
and mostly only through the sound of it
with the occasional glance outside
an occasional glance outside
well, the mind is such a strange thing
the world and life is such an incredibly strange thing
the ins and outs, ups and downs
the ebbs and flows
birth and death
such a strange thing
as for me it feels like im an alien
visiting a foreign planet
the alien observer
to borrow a song title
from an artist called Grouper
alien observer
kind of fitting and also such a good song
alas, the cat and my bed call me to them
here's to hoping i sleep through the entire night
as another midnight passes by
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