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rarely do i give myself downtime
typically i try to keep my mind busy
sometimes i do think a bit when doing mundane
daily chores like cleaning or mowing the grass
things that are so habitual they don't require
actual cognitive thought
sometimes even thinking deeply on things
and occasionally i will be thinking
and i will suddenly get this feeling come over me
as if i touched on something extremely significant
almost like a jolt through the soul or something
and ill try to remain in that thought, but the feeling
subsides, sometimes because i will get
uncomfortable and cancel the thought
and other times it just goes away on it's own
i cant remember specifics at the moment
of course i will also get some spiritual type thoughts
as well, about God or the universe and such
well, i had the strangest dream the other night,
been a while since i had a dream
but the one i had about a week ago
was beyond surreal and strange
i know there was some stuff before what i remember
but i cant remember exactly what it was
i dreamt that i was walking along side walks
that were pristine, like they were brand new
a side walk like a road
it went down and under a bridge
i remember looking around
and seeing landscape that also seemed new
as i got closer to the underpass
there was steps going down and about
halfway down i noticed what seemed like trash,
pieces of food and paper scraps as well as a wadded up
paper towel and i thought how did all that get here
then i saw a large paper towel on the ground
with what looked like human feces on it
as i turned back after looking around,
there i saw a severed man's head and
just passed that a another paper towel
with yet more human feces on it
i got such a strange feeling from looking at the head and
two paper towels with human feces on it
it has bothered me off and on all day as well
like why did i dream that, firstly
and secondly, why did it seem as though it was
significant? poop and a severed man's head?
it's position was angled as if it were looking at the sky
the bottom lip was damaged and the head was very dirty
i walked down and looked back at it
before waking up feeling so surreal and strange
so very strange, like kind of disturbed,
but more puzzled and surreal
even now when i think on it, feels so bizarre
well, the tinnitus has been exceptionally loud this evening
i feel strange lately, like an uncertainty
like i've arrived at some unseen threshold
it often has an uncomfortable feeling to it
a sort of anxious feeling, unnerving
suddenly a thought comes to my mind
of tumbling down a hill when i was a child
and imagining how it would be as i am now
full grown, middle aged, and somewhat overweight
and of course my mind automatically thinks
of what that thought could mean
what it could imply or connote
maybe it's some kind of mid-life lunacy, ha ha
at the moment the crunching of cat food enters the air
and blends in with the tinnitus and the sound
the song below
and i close my eyes and see a swirl of white lines and dots
going in circles and then faces of people ive never seen before
last night i thought about loneliness again
loneliness is yelling out into a tunnel or canyon
and the only thing you hear is the sound of your own echo
taunting back at you
ive been invited to go to my father's father's day celebration
at my sisters house, but ive been estranged from them
a torn feeling between being there for my dad and wanting to
stay home and out of society, even though it's just family
but i guess it will depend on how i feel when i wake up tomorrow
anyways, my head is like a pressurized fog
my thoughts are like a swirl of dots and
white lines on a pitch black background
my feelings.....my feelings are like nothing
my feelings are irrelevant
they are like the dust on fireplace mantles in abandoned houses
and my form?
my form is like the cobwebs in the corners of those abandoned
dusty houses
i love the photography of abandoned houses
there's something to the looks of it
i guess some kind of me relating to it kind of thing, i don't know
i did a little photography of such some years back
i wonder if i still have those photos somewhere
echos and dusty cobweb
well, as another midnight's passing
and as the seconds tick by like clouds moving across the sky
in summers hug of warmth
i think, perhaps, i actually need to think more
as painful as it can be
a sort of exercise of the mind of sorts
but right now the bed calls as my eyes are heavy
and my mind is blank
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