scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
then read
my mind is blank,
absent some form of active thought
most thoughts rise like smoke in grey skies
the cold temperatures have arrived
laying down, at night, in an empty cold bed
a wait for my own body to slowly warm it
you see, it takes traveling to the moon alone
to gain an understanding
and learning to communicate with
empty spaces and with silent things
the girl cat is currently eating
she still dreams in ways i can only wish for
it's like i'm walking on a small globe
constantly down a hill
struggling to keep my feet grounded
and shaking with each step i take
each step wants me to move faster and faster
.....that kind of gravity is the heaviest of all
all the while, i only want to lie down
on the ground and just gaze, endlessly, at the stars
oh, im tired....oh so very tired
an empty plate is just as heavy as a full plate
always nice to have a balance
but alas, i wouldn't know what balance even is
i see balance out there across the chasm of nothingness
a chasm of nothingness that has surrounded me
and marooned me on this small globe
and on the other side of the chasm
i can sometimes see beauty unimagined
small glimpses that seemingly torture me from afar,
jabbing and poking and prodding me to tears
perhaps similar to how a caged bird must feel
the holidays are here which in turn means my birthday is near
it will be 45 years since i took my first breath of air
feels like so much longer than that
and often times i feel far far older than that as well
now days i often think of what is to come
feeling these emotions, thinking these thoughts
expressing them out to feel some relief
relief that someone might read it
and in their own mind, they might care
the future is so scary to me now
what happened to me?
did giving up drinking really put me here?
nah, i've just had time to feel and reel in
all the emotions i avoided while i did drink
it's all catching up to me i guess
perhaps if i ever finish my auto-biography
i should call it "How NOT to Live Life"
the weight of my life seems heavier than
any stone or mountain or even planet
and my shoulders are crushed
with most all the bones broken
if only i had some drive left
if only i had a reason to push on...to fight on
instead i feel as a party balloon in the gutter
holes in it, ran over, dirty water soaked
unable to hold any air
sometimes i get tempted to answer the scam calls
on my phone, just to have someone to talk to
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
if only i had someone that cared
someone that really and truly cared
if only i could feel a hug
a real and true hug
how amazing it would feel
how humbling and warm it would feel
but my thinking of it right now
only makes me so incredibly sad
so insanely sad, that i'd rather stop thinking for right now
perhaps the magic of beautiful dreams will
massage my weak and frail mind whilst i sleep
i plead for a reprieve
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