3-13-2025 23:00

as usual click play on the song
if it is not auto-playing
thanks for your attention

and so another year has come, i turned 49 last month
seems the same as any other day
the cat that i started feeding after my cat died
had kittens, they were getting bigger and bigger
teen aged kittens in cat years
today the grey kitten was hit and killed by a car
and i decided to pick her little body up from the street
and put her in a box and gave her some pets, since i never
was able to touch or pet them before because they were
very cautious/skittish kittens...she has a sibling
i found it weird that that happened because
she never even went beyond the front of my car,
let alone into the street, was so strange
they lived across the alley from me which is why
they would always play in my backyard and came from 
the neighbor's yard across the alley
it broke me up inside though
after i buried her in the backyard and came back 
inside is when the memories of her hit me
memories of all the cats i've ever had that died
memories of people i've known that have died
it slapped me with a deep sense of loneliness
i will miss this little kitten, was always nice
to look in the backyard and see her playing with her sibling
they'd play in the backyard after eating
yesterday they were playing more so than normal
i got a bit of joy from watching them play
now i cant help but think if her sibling and other cat friends
will miss her too and wander around searching for her
there's about 5 or so that come regularly to eat here
i'm glad that the kitten wasn't mangled or bleeding
when i got her up from the street and held her
limp little body no breathing whatsoever
her eyes were even starting to dry out
after i put her in a box, after like 30 minutes of petting her
and saying my goodbyes did i start to notice blood
seeping through her nose.
cant help but to be reminded that this death of the kitten is 
yet another loss in my life
loss is basically all i know, from friends, to love, to kitties
i'm absent any thoughts outside of grief, sadness, loneliness
no one to vent to really, but also i don't want to burden anyone
i've been a burden most of my life as it is
always dreamed of someone that understood me
now i'm an old man...just under a year till i'll be 50
half a century...and here i am weeping over a cat i didn't even know
weeping over nearly half a century of damage.....of loss
i can't help but wonder how connected loss is to failure
i miss that cute little kitten, i missed seeing her play 
in the backyard after eating
my grief is deep, and sorrow overwhelms
i'd rather be dreaming of meadows of other realms
i'd jump in the air like my little kitten friend
to escape the reality of her bitter end
to reunite with her and play in dreams
but alas i'm always stuck in reality it seems.
so my tears well up and fall from my face
into the pools of emotions that fill up my minds space
i'm sorry my little kitten friend, that i didn't get to keep you,
to know you and keep you safe till the end.
and as another midnight passes
i can't help but think about my little kitten friend
and wonder if i would have ever been able to become her
friend and bring her into the house and give her a good life
sadly i'll never know......and it makes me sad and lonely.

12-11-2024 22:50

as always, for best results
scroll to the bottom
and click play on the song
if it isn't auto playing
there are words sung in the song
so perhaps listen at the end 

and so today was a day that i allowed myself
time to sit still with my thoughts and stir them up.
partially due to a song i've been listening to,
but also because of random dreams i've had.
reminders of what once was, of things long passed
i was washing the glass that i always used for my tea
the other day when it slipped and fell into the sink
it broke and it was the glass that my ex girlfriend
who fairly recently died in a car crash gave to me
i couldn't help but to think, later on, that it was 
simply a reminder that all things come to an end
personally i've had more things come to an end
than i've had things that remain sustained in my life
too used to the damages and the abandonments
and the left behind and the loss and sorrows of heartache
all the failures and mistakes and bad decisions
sadly the acceptance of feeling like i deserve nothing
has set in, i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve to be loved
i've sort of felt like this since before i sobered up
and went into hiding, i think since around 2016 or 2017
oh my brain and it's ways of thought
no one has understood me ever in my life
there were a few times where i thought someone did
but they left me behind, some left me behind with a broken heart
some still i left behind before i got left behind in a final act
i pushed some out and haven't looked back
except only in a few instances where curiosity hit me
a new thing has started with me lately 
i've found cold air on my skin comforting
i still have not worn a coat or jacket lately
even though the temperatures are getting lower
a few instances where the chill was a little uncomfortable
yet it still was comforting, which in turn made me wonder
how much cold i could take before needing to warm up
the aforementioned song i spoke of
is a song called Without You by Low Roar
i heard it from a video game that i play frequently
called Death Stranding
it's quite an interesting game in that it's online
yet you never see any other players
only things they leave behind such as tools, weapons,
items, vehicles, and signs or things that they build in game
such a lonely feeling to that, yet at the same time comforting
players can like others things like signs and vehicles
and structures and such
your role in the game is a porter or delivery person
i sometimes wished the real world was similar to
the game in that i'd be the only person in the world,
but yet get constant reminders of others being around
i'll just attach the song to this entry
how did i get to this point i wonder.....
i was a socialite or some call it social butterfly
these days i tend to avoid people and their intentions
curiously i recently took a free version of the Myers-Briggs
personality test and found that i'm now an INFJ-T
funny how life and time takes it's toll on a person
i wonder how many more years i've got left on this planet
how many more times ill get rejected, tossed aside, left behind 
i wonder is there anything left of my heart to even get heart broken
and as another midnight passes me by i find myself
thinking of cold air, chills on my skin and in my hair
being left behind in a mist of snows and frost winds
frozen into eternity, into the frozen halls of nothing
into memories lost and forgotten

11-20-2024 23:40

for best effect/results
scroll down and click play on
the song before reading

thanks for your attention

the cold has arrived with it's embrace

and darkness comes earlier and earlier each day

i sit with an empty mind and an empty heart

bound to a fate so very different than i'd ever desired
as time and age begins to take it's toll

to begin to deplete that which emotional and 
childhood damages did not 

i've looked forward to the overcast grey skies
and the brisk breezes that flow
driving with the windows down
feeling the chills touch through my hair
and on my skin a soothing comfort of sorts
a sort of reminder there are still things i can enjoy
albeit ever so subtle and miniscule

what is a dreamer without dreams?

what is a lover without love?

what is a middle aged man without a purpose?

left behind and tossed aside like old shoes
to cry out to an empty room
to reach out to no response
like feeling around in a pitch black room
hands extended out reaching, searching,
reaching and searching, feeling, grasping...
as i remain in a mostly isolated state
coming up on 6 years since i shut myself in
disconnected from it all
from the hunters and their arrows
from the constant persistence of rejection
from being not good enough, second best
disconnected from myself

and now that my kitties are dead and buried
i'm really alone and feel it like never before
the lianas of emptiness have crowded 

and have taken over my thoughts of late
and not just an ordinary emptiness
but a complete emptiness, like nothing
i've ever felt before, so empty in fact that
it's become an absence, a collapse

oh i long for companionship
i long for a beautiful woman's love
and her presence, her thoughts
to envelope me like a cloud
to lift me and carry me away to those 

oh so beautiful and soothing fields of green grasses
if only, if only, if only, i could be so lucky
if only i could be free of this life i live
if only for once i could have the things 

in life i've always wanted and dreamed of

i just want to be free

i don't know how much more i have in me

how much more will to persist....to exist

and as another midnight passes,

i sit watching the world, time pass by

quicker and quicker as each year ticks by

and i wonder how much longer i'll be left
behind, forgotten and left to watch the world

and time pass me by
for life itself to pass me by

9-5-2024 23:34

for best results, scroll to the bottom

and click play on the song
if it is not already auto-playing
thanks for reading

it's funny now, when i allow myself to start thinking,
contemplating things, how i immediately think
is it really worth the energy to think about this?
yet other times, a simple thought creates a chasm
of thought and sometimes i get hit by those deepened
feelings or sensations that i used to get when i was a child
some kind of super deep sensation so difficult to explain
i used to describe it like a calling, like something was calling me
it's happened alot more often lately, very often
i can never put my finger on it though
and i cant help but get the feeling that that is on purpose
as if im not supposed to figure it out
but i also feel that if i can ever figure it out that life will align
into place and that all things will come into perfect view
ah well, just a pipe dream i suppose
ive been maintaining a constant occupied mind, no thinking
no wandering of thoughts or emotions to trickle
up until this evening that is, i, for whatever reason, 
randomly stopped and started thinking
not exactly sure why or what the thoughts were
i still rarely communicate with others
keeping a constant processing of procedure or habit
the girl cat died in her sleep about a month ago
which hit me pretty hard since she was my best friend
some would say she was my only friend
death is the strangest part of this existence
of which i can genuinely say that i HATE death
even though i accept it completely and totally
her left over food i decided to start putting some on the front porch
for a cat that randomly started hanging out 

in my front yard a day or two before the girl cat Chrissy died
so now ive been feeding it, i assume, as a way to cope
also, i was told a few days ago, an ex-girlfriend that i dated 
was killed in a car accident a week earlier
such a strange feeling when i read the message about her death
gave me a deep sadness, even though we dated some 7 or 8 years ago
if i guess right anyway, was still a heavy drinker then
and dates and order of things are blurred a bit
i'm sad she died and hopefully she didn't suffer or have pain
it made me think of our time together as a couple
some of the memories i have of her and us together
she was a nice woman, we didn't break up on bad terms
more like a mutual drifting apart of sorts
makes me think back on what it feels like to be desired
how it feels to be appreciated, to be loved
i do genuinely miss having that, the privilege of love
the presence of a woman
i miss giving my love, of doing things for and with a girlfriend
of hearing about her day, what her thoughts are
i miss feeling like i wished i could swim inside of her mind
and absorb her thoughts and feelings completely and totally
even just having a female friend, to hang out with
talk things over, watch the fields of grass or the waters of a lake or pond
i feel old these days, undesirable, left behind in the dust of life
i am cautious and weary of others, of their intentions
of getting chewed up and spit out again
im worn out and flattened 
i just want to be loved, desired, and appreciated
instead of used up, tossed aside and forgotten
and as another midnight passes by, 
i cant help but sit here and feel these emotions
of grief, of loneliness, of alienation
while dreaming of a life of love
a life so far off and distant that i can only see it in dreams
like an echo in a deep canyon
an echo

øjeRum · Sjette Segl

5-3-2024 23:33 it's been a while

for best results/effect
scroll to the end and click play 
thanks for your attention

well now, it's been quite some time since i've written anything
these days my mind is a blank, my feelings, non existent
neither happy, nor sad, not even melancholy
because that would at least be feeling something
it's like the nothing came, but it hit my mind, my heart
and so, ive had a lack of words, a lack of things to say
a lack of emotions to pour out here in despair
i reverted back to avoiding people and conversations
but i still maintain sobriety
the past 2 days have been the first time ive felt a kind of sorrow
or sadness i think because i watched a movie that brought out
the feeling of being loved and cherished
so as much as i attempted to push it down it came up
and i wept for the first time in years
a strange feeling to weep and feel sad
ive become so very very used to feeling absolute nothing
so when this hit i was taken aback by it
i wished i could say i went and started seeing a counselor
but this is not the case, ive just put myself into places
that dont exist, into digital worlds and digital lives
of video game realities, being a hero or a provider
into stories of old and new, a hideaway of sorts
distracted away from loneliness or sadness or shame
the longing for love, for a home of my own
of things that are long too late for me now
like having a son or daughter......a wife
funny now im 48 years old and time has
begun to fly by so much faster than while i was still drinking
the years have just blazed by in an absolute blur
a single day is done almost as fast as it started these days
and i watch also as the world becomes more and more crazy
with each passing day, as each midnight comes and then goes
i can't help but notice how, even more so now than ever before,
people are so incredibly controlled and guided....led
led by external forces they are not even aware of
or if they're aware, they just disregard
our young people being used as weapons in a game no one wins
led to hate and division all whilst claiming love
pushed to specific positions like pieces on a chessboard
pushed into opinions and ways of thinking specifically 
designed to destroy, to defeat the individual
jumping on bandwagons and blindly following the (mis)leader
the world and society have been set ablaze and the people are
none the wiser, led by smart devices and social media 
and systems of control that twist the minds and starve it of love
pushing fear as a mainstay to maintain primitive thought
to cause emotional reactions instead of cognitive logic as reactions
overly emotional states maintained which in turn creates instability
i think back to the days before the internet was around
how so much more stable society was how less divided and logical
how incredibly obvious it all actually is 
and yet society is so incredibly blind to it 
and in some cases they've purposely turned a blind eye to it
married to ideologies and narratives, to agendas, to politics
there has never been a time in my life where ive felt more alienated
and separate from the world than i feel now
nearly impossible to relate to others now days
most my age are grand parents and live family lives
i on the other hand, have never been married and have no kids
the world is so incredibly strange now
as i watch it from afar, i cant help but feel a sadness
a sadness for us all, a sadness for the children of the world
for the birds and trees and those beautiful green meadows of tall grasses
and as another midnight passes by
i cant help but to be reunited with the sad emotions
brought on by a lack of love, by a world set on fire

another song

here's another one to listen to and reflect on things
an enjoyable one for sure

øjeRum · Mod Fjerne Havers Søvn

8-2-2022 23:40

a short journal entry
as usual scroll down and click play 
before reading for best effect/results
thanks for reading

it's been a while since i've done this
still living in a span of silence
as my thoughts aren't 
catching my attention enough
for me to sit and type them out
i am physically active now and 
try to speed walk 3 miles a day now
going good so far
i seem to be losing weight
although i've no scale to actually check
it has been therapeutic 
as there's plenty of time to reflect
on life, on the state the world
time for me to watch as the birds fly over trees
and the clouds to linger in unison
and to see the correlation of all things
the wind blows, the bird flies, the leaf grows,
the sun rises and sets,
life begins and ends
i feel a real calmness inside these days
i can actually sit still for longer
than just a few minutes
i can actually sit and enjoy nature
for hours without the need for distraction
or without the bouncing of a knee
not quite to a contentment state just yet, but close
it's as if i'm being refined like some ore

i will undoubtedly get into a counseling habit 
for a bit as well to deal with things i've put off
most all of my life, the abuses and things i witnessed
and the stuff that dealt blows to my mind and emotions
but at least i feel good most days, a far cry from what
once was for me and my state of mind
i've begun to take pictures again as well,
something i long gave up before
mostly shots of the sky, sunsets, and tree lines
nothing fancy, just smart phone camera takes
i walk forward firmly towards 
the horizon of possibilities
and as another midnight passes by
i think about those out there on this planet
thinking of the totality of life and of existence
and i feel a comfort knowing i'm not the only one

øjeRum · Mod Fjerne Havers Søvn