9-5-2024 23:34

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it's funny now, when i allow myself to start thinking,
contemplating things, how i immediately think
is it really worth the energy to think about this?
yet other times, a simple thought creates a chasm
of thought and sometimes i get hit by those deepened
feelings or sensations that i used to get when i was a child
some kind of super deep sensation so difficult to explain
i used to describe it like a calling, like something was calling me
it's happened alot more often lately, very often
i can never put my finger on it though
and i cant help but get the feeling that that is on purpose
as if im not supposed to figure it out
but i also feel that if i can ever figure it out that life will align
into place and that all things will come into perfect view
ah well, just a pipe dream i suppose
ive been maintaining a constant occupied mind, no thinking
no wandering of thoughts or emotions to trickle
up until this evening that is, i, for whatever reason, 
randomly stopped and started thinking
not exactly sure why or what the thoughts were
i still rarely communicate with others
keeping a constant processing of procedure or habit
the girl cat died in her sleep about a month ago
which hit me pretty hard since she was my best friend
some would say she was my only friend
death is the strangest part of this existence
of which i can genuinely say that i HATE death
even though i accept it completely and totally
her left over food i decided to start putting some on the front porch
for a cat that randomly started hanging out 

in my front yard a day or two before the girl cat Chrissy died
so now ive been feeding it, i assume, as a way to cope
also, i was told a few days ago, an ex-girlfriend that i dated 
was killed in a car accident a week earlier
such a strange feeling when i read the message about her death
gave me a deep sadness, even though we dated some 7 or 8 years ago
if i guess right anyway, was still a heavy drinker then
and dates and order of things are blurred a bit
i'm sad she died and hopefully she didn't suffer or have pain
it made me think of our time together as a couple
some of the memories i have of her and us together
she was a nice woman, we didn't break up on bad terms
more like a mutual drifting apart of sorts
makes me think back on what it feels like to be desired
how it feels to be appreciated, to be loved
i do genuinely miss having that, the privilege of love
the presence of a woman
i miss giving my love, of doing things for and with a girlfriend
of hearing about her day, what her thoughts are
i miss feeling like i wished i could swim inside of her mind
and absorb her thoughts and feelings completely and totally
even just having a female friend, to hang out with
talk things over, watch the fields of grass or the waters of a lake or pond
i feel old these days, undesirable, left behind in the dust of life
i am cautious and weary of others, of their intentions
of getting chewed up and spit out again
im worn out and flattened 
i just want to be loved, desired, and appreciated
instead of used up, tossed aside and forgotten
and as another midnight passes by, 
i cant help but sit here and feel these emotions
of grief, of loneliness, of alienation
while dreaming of a life of love
a life so far off and distant that i can only see it in dreams
like an echo in a deep canyon
an echo

øjeRum · Sjette Segl

5-3-2024 23:33 it's been a while

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well now, it's been quite some time since i've written anything
these days my mind is a blank, my feelings, non existent
neither happy, nor sad, not even melancholy
because that would at least be feeling something
it's like the nothing came, but it hit my mind, my heart
and so, ive had a lack of words, a lack of things to say
a lack of emotions to pour out here in despair
i reverted back to avoiding people and conversations
but i still maintain sobriety
the past 2 days have been the first time ive felt a kind of sorrow
or sadness i think because i watched a movie that brought out
the feeling of being loved and cherished
so as much as i attempted to push it down it came up
and i wept for the first time in years
a strange feeling to weep and feel sad
ive become so very very used to feeling absolute nothing
so when this hit i was taken aback by it
i wished i could say i went and started seeing a counselor
but this is not the case, ive just put myself into places
that dont exist, into digital worlds and digital lives
of video game realities, being a hero or a provider
into stories of old and new, a hideaway of sorts
distracted away from loneliness or sadness or shame
the longing for love, for a home of my own
of things that are long too late for me now
like having a son or daughter......a wife
funny now im 48 years old and time has
begun to fly by so much faster than while i was still drinking
the years have just blazed by in an absolute blur
a single day is done almost as fast as it started these days
and i watch also as the world becomes more and more crazy
with each passing day, as each midnight comes and then goes
i can't help but notice how, even more so now than ever before,
people are so incredibly controlled and guided....led
led by external forces they are not even aware of
or if they're aware, they just disregard
our young people being used as weapons in a game no one wins
led to hate and division all whilst claiming love
pushed to specific positions like pieces on a chessboard
pushed into opinions and ways of thinking specifically 
designed to destroy, to defeat the individual
jumping on bandwagons and blindly following the (mis)leader
the world and society have been set ablaze and the people are
none the wiser, led by smart devices and social media 
and systems of control that twist the minds and starve it of love
pushing fear as a mainstay to maintain primitive thought
to cause emotional reactions instead of cognitive logic as reactions
overly emotional states maintained which in turn creates instability
i think back to the days before the internet was around
how so much more stable society was how less divided and logical
how incredibly obvious it all actually is 
and yet society is so incredibly blind to it 
and in some cases they've purposely turned a blind eye to it
married to ideologies and narratives, to agendas, to politics
there has never been a time in my life where ive felt more alienated
and separate from the world than i feel now
nearly impossible to relate to others now days
most my age are grand parents and live family lives
i on the other hand, have never been married and have no kids
the world is so incredibly strange now
as i watch it from afar, i cant help but feel a sadness
a sadness for us all, a sadness for the children of the world
for the birds and trees and those beautiful green meadows of tall grasses
and as another midnight passes by
i cant help but to be reunited with the sad emotions
brought on by a lack of love, by a world set on fire

another song

here's another one to listen to and reflect on things
an enjoyable one for sure

øjeRum · Mod Fjerne Havers Søvn

8-2-2022 23:40

a short journal entry
as usual scroll down and click play 
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thanks for reading

it's been a while since i've done this
still living in a span of silence
as my thoughts aren't 
catching my attention enough
for me to sit and type them out
i am physically active now and 
try to speed walk 3 miles a day now
going good so far
i seem to be losing weight
although i've no scale to actually check
it has been therapeutic 
as there's plenty of time to reflect
on life, on the state the world
time for me to watch as the birds fly over trees
and the clouds to linger in unison
and to see the correlation of all things
the wind blows, the bird flies, the leaf grows,
the sun rises and sets,
life begins and ends
i feel a real calmness inside these days
i can actually sit still for longer
than just a few minutes
i can actually sit and enjoy nature
for hours without the need for distraction
or without the bouncing of a knee
not quite to a contentment state just yet, but close
it's as if i'm being refined like some ore

i will undoubtedly get into a counseling habit 
for a bit as well to deal with things i've put off
most all of my life, the abuses and things i witnessed
and the stuff that dealt blows to my mind and emotions
but at least i feel good most days, a far cry from what
once was for me and my state of mind
i've begun to take pictures again as well,
something i long gave up before
mostly shots of the sky, sunsets, and tree lines
nothing fancy, just smart phone camera takes
i walk forward firmly towards 
the horizon of possibilities
and as another midnight passes by
i think about those out there on this planet
thinking of the totality of life and of existence
and i feel a comfort knowing i'm not the only one

øjeRum · Mod Fjerne Havers Søvn

have a listen

came across this song
and it really permeated
with me for some reason
i guess because it seems to correlate
to how the world and society is moving
and how each one of our lives
has an ending to the story...

2/10/2022 9:30pm

 as usual and for best results
scroll down and click play if 
it is not already auto-playing
posting this a little earlier than the usual
midnights passing hour
thanks for your attention

ive seen beauty sometimes
at the tops of mountain peaks
and in the brilliant blue skies
occasionally when i've looked into
the eyes of women ive seen beauty defined
defined in the lines of skin creases and hellos
ive seen the beauty that makes those mountain peaks
and blue skies stand aside in awe
i now watch the world as an observer
and i reside in the light of eternity
ive been silent of late as the words escape me
even though i feel good lately
another birthday came and went and am now 46 years old
i was originally due on january 25th, 
but apparently i wasn't ready and even on the 4th of february
i wasn't ready and had to be induced
perhaps a prelude to the rest of my life, ha
but lately, i've begun to gain an understanding i feel
of the world, this life, the human experience
i just needed my eyes wiped clean so to speak
some years of isolation and deprivation most definitely 
wiped them clean
i wasn't much of a religious or a spiritual person
all my life, but the past 10 years or so i begun
to sense things in this world but lacked the perception
needed to see them proper
and as i was still a drunken type living in dreams and at the bottom
of bottles i was far from that perception
and so taking an extreme isolation and at the same time complete
sobriety and some years passing with a torturous existence
my eyes were even more so opened to those things that i sensed
this battle of good and evil that is literally everywhere we look
i  began praying again each morning and each night
with random times during the day
and ive felt a difference inside and outside
and as things seemingly were revealed to me during prayers
and during deep thought and thinking
ive felt as though the spiritual and religious aspect of human life
have some real substance, some real tangible aspect to them
i may elaborate deeper and further in the future on here
i look forward to where ever this path may take me
i open my arms and mind and soul to the potentials that await
i pray for the world that we all can really look at one another,
that we can get back to the days of mutual respect
and to overcome the evil that wants to see us all defeated
and as another midnight passes by i am thankful to be alive
to see the beauty of this planet we are all on together

Assembly Field · anthéne - the company i keep

have a listen

have a listen

Night Note · Star - Like, Distant Lights (Naviarhaiku 413 )