1:36pm
overcast skies, a bit chilly, but nice
the lonely days and nights come and go
the end of the year draws near
but first.....Christmas
i feel ok, still with the same tiredness(mentally), loneliness,
and the malaise of the adult realities.
writers block has seemed to come again
not much to say, only things to feel
silence has my voice lately
the cats are up to their usual cattery as i call it
eating, sleeping and watching....
the girl cat sits on the end table
and the boy cat plays with a cat toy with
excitement and focus
with not much to say, i hold my silence this day
waiting for the faucet of thoughts to once again open and pour out
the emptiness of thoughts echoing through my mind
like the sound of a soft voice in a deep cave
i hold on, i dream on, and well, actually
i just wait for better days.
the boy cat Sam on the left, the girl cat Chrissy on the right
i long for you, i long for you to come into my view
i starve from a lack of you
i don't have a clue, i'm blind
a lonely and quiet day today, the warmth of the past few days
left in a hurry, scurrying off into sunsets of winter days
the plight for more daylight
the candles in my cave of dark don't shine as bright anymore
my soils aren't rich enough, aren't worth as much anymore
the rains have poured down too much and rinsed them out
there's not much to show or give any doubt
proof lies in the tracks i lay here, the place of my tears
the waves of this ocean don't ever stop, don't ever cease or rest
riding the waves is tiresome and lonely when you ride them alone
riding them together with someone, with total and unconditional love,
makes those waves fun, adventurous, exciting.
i'm blind, riding those waves alone, bruised, confused, disheartened.
yes, i still ride on hoping, wishing, and yes, sometimes pleading.
a lonely and quiet day today
temperatures were nice for a few days there, when winter
had to make sure we knew it is wintertime still
my feet are cold, i sit here barefoot typing this out
i can feel a slightness of a wind or movement of air going
between some of my toes, the massage of invisible fingers
normally i dislike the feel of my feet being cold.
i can hardly form words of positivity these days
outside of social interactions and conversations with others
only the here n theres and the every so oftens
my shoulders haven't been bare in over 20 years
obviously me leading nothing but a trail of tears
makes me think of the classic: "i've fallen and i can't get up."
of course i always get up and brush myself off
i just wished it wasn't so often.
the cats are sleeping side by side in the dining room window.
they dream in ways we wont ever know, but they sleep in ways
we wished we could
the days short, well the light of the days are
the cool and cold air settling over and under
the car with it's 112,000 miles sits outside, the mule
the house creaks and clicks here n there
and me? well, i'm still here, still talking to no one and everyone
i feel ok, disheartened alot, sad and lonely alot, but what about tomorrow?
i wanna see what happens tomorrow, but for now i'll see how i can
enjoy right now, this moment, each keystroke, each word, each feeling
each emotion. of course sometimes.....well, for me, alot of the times, it's hard.
the outsider looking in the window, the little boy not allowed to go in.
the grown man watching others take advantage, take for granted the
simplest of things he wished he could have.
i write on, i push on, i H O L D on.
1:34am
so thanksgiving has come and gone once again,
the food, the family, the fun of old memories
photographs of old times of youth explored again
family time is nice, but saddens me a bit
all i ever do during this time of year is try to stay in my dreams
stay in my heaven
i should have a family of my own by now
at least a partner, a significant other, a lover
i long, oh i long for the feeling of arms wrapped around me
real hugs and embraces, real passion and kisses
oh how i miss getting lost in each others eyes
oh how i miss these things, these simple but oh so important things
people take advantage of the simplest of things
especially of relationships, the expressing feelings
saying the simplest of words, words like i love you
words like i miss you, words like you're so incredibly beautiful
heaviness weighs on shoulders of what was once a boy
boulders placed early on for him to battle till his life is gone
forgotten are the shores of his beach
only memories remain to eventually get sun bleached
i refrain from stopping the pain of life
the pains of stress and heart ache and strife
i feel, i feel, i feel
so, the cats are somewhere around here, probably in a
gentle state of deep sleep, which is also something i miss
since insomnia tends to pay me regular visits lately
i feel sad alot these days, not because of winter's arrival
but mostly because of life.
cried a bit here n there today, the icy feeling of tears
left to dry on my cheeks and eyes
maybe one day things will not just go the way i'd like them to,
but remain that way forever
one day, one day
a few months away from my birthday, but sadly it's
not something i look forward to, not because of getting older,
but for other reasons. i actually enjoy being older, growing older.
i have Scarfolk Council keeping my ears and mind going
and my mind ruminates, the cogitation endlessly
and alas, i dream on, i push on, and mostly of all, i hold on
all i see, tree after tree, rooted deep in their soils of comfort
soils of toil and trouble and stresses
but look up top at the blooms and fruit and flowers of their soil
brilliant and beautiful, colorful and fresh
each with it's own seeds that will also search for soils of comfort
soils of toil and trouble and stresses
row after row, line after line of trees
each rooted deep, but not necessarily immobile
such a variety, such a wonder, such randomness
all the while identical, copies, prints of the before
even their soils of toil and trouble and stresses are commonality
commonality, commonality, a template of similarities
trees in gardens, in forests, in a preservation, in parks
in neighborhoods, in slums, in alleyways, in parking lots
in river beds, flower beds, in a persons mind.
all i see, tree after tree after tree, rooted in their soils of comfort
written sometime ago, don't rightly remember when
at the time i felt it was incomplete
but i figured now, ill post it anyway.
beautiful day, 71 degrees fahrenheit
windows open breezy winds flow in
i feel ok, heart aches, mind is busy though
the sun shining through the tree in the front yard
casts a nice shadow on the neighbor's roof
right near where the wasps took residence, although
there's no sign of them today
the cats...the girl cat is bathing on top of the television
and the boy cat sleeps elsewhere.
writers block seems to be slowly lifting, well very slowly.
had some decent ideas here n there lately.
i dream all the time...most of my waking hours
and my sleeping dreams, well, those are still strange
it's funny, i've become uninterested in most of the hobbies
i enjoy, well, i guess i should say enjoyed
i find myself vegging away at times, doing nothing at all
and other times im going for walks or drives
thinking all the while of everything and of only a few things
maybe i should find new hobbies and/or things to do
it's just only like the waves of the ocean
always with the highs n lows, ups n downs
there's usually a balance
it's always easier when you have someone to ride the waves with though
cause then you can help each other balance, help each other to feel
help each other to feel...
those warm days, those sweaty palms from holding hands so long days
those magic dream days, those passion filled heaven days
those safest of safe days, those time stood still days
those days play out the most to me in my dreams and memories
those time standing still days, those days, the purest of such
i often watch other people and see them living in those days
and it makes me smile, i wished i could see more people in those days
i ache a bit in loneliness, missing those days
and yeah, seeing the other people with it adds a heaviness to that,
but i still smile in knowing i get what they're possibly feeling
but i still dream, i still float through heaven there.
waves of the ocean
i ride still, i ride on, i push on, i dream on
i went to a restaurant a few days ago and
i walked in and was lead to be seated at a booth.
my hair being that it's fairly long now had gotten
somewhat messed up from the wind and movements
of being outside so i was fixing it as i walked
i see a woman sitting at one of the booths
and i see that she has lost most of her hair
and i can see that it is more than likely cancer related
we looked at each other and it nearly felt as though
i had gotten stabbed...not by the way she looked at me
well, partially, but she didn't glare or look hateful,
but rather she looked sad
this bothered me immensely because the situation should
have been reversed...me with short/little/no hair
and her with the long hair
my empathy flowed heavily and i worked to keep back any tears
i wanted to cut my hair off then and there and give it to her
i didn't even know the woman and yet part of me
wanted to trade places with her
not really sure why, perhaps since my grandmother died of cancer
when i was 10 or 11 and my father is a cancer survivor
although his case was minor, it was still cancer nonetheless
being that i am emotion and empathy filled these days, i think
that's also partially why it weighed so heavy on me
i could see in her eyes the tears that she seemed to have
on the inside as i walked past her.....slow motion at that
or so it seemed
by the time i was finished eating and was leaving,
the woman had already left and was gone
but i thought about her still, hence my writing this
i thought of all kinds of things since then
imagining different situations and circumstances
my mom, my sister, my relatives
i haven't had the privilege of having a sustained relationship
or a marriage or anything, but even that entered my mind
if i was married and it was my wife
i even imagined it being me.
strange....
the recent days of mine have been inundated
by insomnia, almost a week straight of difficulties
in sleeping and staying asleep
the monotony of being dead tired and laying in bed
waiting to fall asleep...minutes seem like hours
hours seem like years and all the while you're tortured
with the thoughts of sleep and being asleep, the peacefulness
then thoughts of the day, thoughts of personal struggles
thoughts of loneliness, life, and for me, my world, my dreams
so it's no wonder that i have to say i feel tired and worn out these days
sometimes i feel like i have too much empathy
some movies that aren't even sad, make me cry
those love movies that only some cry to, i bawl my eyes out to
movies that seem to be able to punch my heart, my emotions
i see someone fall or get hurt, i cringe as though i felt the actual
physical pain from it.
was a beautiful day today, nice breezes, nice temperature
and it is a beautiful night as well, the moon smiles down on me
and i can't help but wonder who else is looking up at it as well.
i wonder if someone else as lonesome and emotional as i
is somewhere looking up at it, someone stuck indoors, looking
out through the window at it. someone sitting outside in a hammock
looking up at it. a couple out for a walk, looking up at it.
two lovers madly and unconditionally in love laying in the grass,
looking up at it. their moon is also my moon and yet their world is
not my world, their love is not my love, their thoughts, are not my thoughts
their dreams, while beautiful, are not my dreams. a reality i often think about.
typing this out has made me cry like a baby and i've had to stop a few times
well, i hope that tonight that i can sleep as heavy and soundly as i've ever
slept before, i hope that my dreams while sleeping will be as beautiful
as my life dreams, i hope one day i can live in those dreams....one day.
anyway, night is covering the wasps next door and as for the cats.....
well they're up to their usual cat business with the girl cat sitting on the
back of the couch taking a shower/licking her fur and as for the boy cat,
im not sure where he is, actually.
i want to fly away, i want to escape the everyday,
i want to run away to the edge of dreams and love
i want to sail on the waves of passion and elation
i want to float on clouds of togetherness.
i want to drift away forever with you
anyway, i dream still..
i feel tired as insomnia has paid me many visits recently
the dreams when i sleep have been stranger than normal
some of which were slightly scarey or disturbing
i get the feeling as though they're supposed to mean something
but i usually just brush them off as the usual strange dream
still the hard punch of writers block hits me solidly
i search for the words, helplessly, not much to find
so, i see the wasps flying today, there's a sort of
comfort in knowing they're there scurrying and flying about
in and out of the crack on the neighbor's roof
and then there's the cats
the boy cat sits in the window in the dining room
watch, waiting, observing the happenings of the outside
the girl cat sits on the arm of the couch, watching me as i sit typing
she too, watches and observes
a loud helicopter flies over, shaking the windows of the house
vibrating the walls with it's annoyance of absurdity
looking out the window, i cant help but wonder if it is a nice day
the trees swaying in the breeze, sunny, perhaps warm
i will soon venture out into it as my stomach calls for nourishment
for sustenance.
soon i will be 39, too bad i cant fast forward to 40
that would be something
while i was looking at my posts and such, i see that
i have quite a good amount of drafts that i could post
but not sure about it yet so i guess that's why they're
still just drafts. i still wonder though.....
anyway, the stomach calls
i push on, i dream on, and the wasps scurry on
