this crowded hall

this crowded hall, filled with doors, doors that we have no idea where they lead.
only our imaginations are there to allow us to guess. some of us never enter the doors.
some try, only to find the doors are locked. other enter the doors, only to return later.
others enter and never return. i've entered a few so far and here i am back in
this crowded hall. walking down this endless hall of crowded bodies.
some have stopped walking, others are running as best as they can in this crowded hall.
seeing people fall all the time, even falling down myself. one never knows which door is
open and which is locked. some wait at the locked door, hoping for it to unlock and
allow them passage into another experience, different from this crowded hall.
my door will come and patiently i walk, dreaming and building a small amount of
excitement for when my open door comes.

another random journal entry

i've sat here before, i recognize this smell...these walls...these people.
i feel the same feeling as before, familiarity and comfort, yet still
new and alien to me. i watch people pass as i sit here.
i imagine what could be and of what was.
centered here sitting, waiting, dreaming, and hoping
often someone comes to sit next to me.
i enjoy their company and conversation for a while.
i still sit and watch them get up and leave.
forced to watch them walk into the distance
and then out of sight, they somehow line my mind for a while.
appreciating what it was and the moments shared.
i also watch them eventually leave my mind,
waiting for that moment when i stand up with someone
and together walk away from that chair where i sat
never again to come back to sit there again.

a random journal entry

my mind has been void of anything particular lately.
reckless thoughts take precedence over the normal thought processes of my mind.
thoughts of old still linger, caressing my mind like fingers through hair.
these times are strange to me, although most of my life i've felt alienated,
so it's interesting that it seems more strange than ever before.
i sit here and watch the cars go by, people coming and going, living their lives
completely unaware that they just entered my life only to leave it just as fast.

so we've built this world around us off of memories, experience, and fear.
corruption flows through channels in our mind to the forefront of our experience.
peering into the past and into the future, fearing possibility and limitations.
it seeps out through the place that can not lie, constantly asking why,
creating events that make us all cry.we build walls to prevent us from a fall...
it's that fall that we need....we need to fall into experience.
the experience of love. the choice between the opposer  of love...which is fear.
letting go of what we hold so that then our lives are no longer cold.
it's that warmth that we need, taking us further in this world that we've built.
this world that we've built is careening out of control, digging ourselves further
down into the hole we're in. leaders misleading, guiding us to destruction.
a loss of proper function, so we begin to make assumptions.
falsity and deception are the norm. that's how we've been born...
into this world we've built. naturally, we have guilt and still, there's no change.

in a hurry to wait

in a hurry to wait

you have to wait to be born
you have to wait to be potty trained
you have to wait to learn
you have to wait to go to school
you have to wait to go to college
you have to wait to find a job
you have to wait to go to work
you have to wait at a red light or stop sign
you have to wait in line at stores/shops
you have to wait for the week end
you have to wait to fall in love
you have to wait to get married
you have to wait to have a kid
you have to wait for your kid to grow up
you have to wait to grow old
you have to wait for your kids to move out
you have to wait to retire
you have to wait to die
knowing all this and living it,
why in the hell are we all in such a hurry?

random writings

this post is a few different things i wrote long time ago
that i recently found and decided to post them here.

saturated in dreams, i am caught up in illusional things.
overwhelmed by pain and shame, i am forced to play by the rules of the game.

left behind standing in shadows. veils and lies disguise my eyes of realities i cant not accept

a burning fire, ignited by the heart's desire, is not always what will transpire when jets of water douse the flames. it's life's games

this flame was once bright, shining through clouds and haze, now is dimly lit and struggling to keep the dark at bay as it tries to take over
the dark pushes still to extinguish the tiny flame that can show the way through to bright warmth. it suffocates with cold and emptiness

the damage drips out from the part that cant lie, where the heart pours out and the pain tries to hide
From the eyes where the truth lies, emotions and feelings pour, in our minds is where our eagles soar.

Pillow soaked by drops of sadness and emotion. Insomnia playing tag team on my ability to dream.

i've escaped from it's hands numerous times. the cold grasp of empty hollow feelings.
endurance
and i laid down in it's grasp for a short while. embracing the gripping hands, felt the feelings and emotions rampant.
resistance

Bright and radiant moon shining, Beaming into my dimly lit world.
Illuminating warmth spreading, smothering, blanketing a sense of calm.

a solitary thought trickles down from isolation into a plethora of mind chatter
and thought traffic and comes out in dreams we never remember

falling, light as a feather. landing, hard as a rock. brainstorming like the weather hitting my brain with such a shock.

Riled are the emotions, while thinking up the notions. Like staring at the waves of the ocean.
It syphons out the energy of the mind. It pulls you until your thoughts are left behind and intertwined with feelings of old or of futures.

Tired are the eyes of my soul, as I climb ever so persistently out of this hole. A refusal to let life win.

the clouds covers and hover over any thoughts, keeping them down and gray. i often wish for a hint of relief as my mind wanders day by day.
expressing things from within the clouds that cover, is nothing more than a distraction from the dreams of lovers in love and having peace.

the cloud consumes what's in my mind. the truth that hides i did not find. to read completely between the lines, will keep me confined within my mind.

this one isn't old, i wrote it minutes after my cat of 20 years
died in my hands:

words escape through distractions and light refractions, yet the memory is there.
laying in agony, to have witnessed such a tragedy. it's laid claim to the mainframe that is my brain that i try to maintain

a dream

i had a weird and crazy dream last night and this is how it went:

It was me and my sister we were going somewhere but it was a long trip and somehow the dream skipped to when we were at the destination. We were walking down some alleyway and there were all kinds of houses that had alot of crap strewn all over, some were dilapidated and run down, others were taken care of a clean and at one point my sister went into one of the doors that was open and started making weird noises and then she came out, but behind her was someone with a horse and that person was walking the horse the opposite direction we were going. We kept walking and saw 2 carp fish in the water puddles that were there and then it started sprinkling as we continued to walk but then it stopped. We got to my car which was parked in front of some house and she started hitting on me was super crazy weird so I said we gotta leave  this is too weird and she said she was sorry and that it really was weird and she didn't know what was going on and then we got into the car. At this point my sister turned into a boy that looked like my other sisters oldest son and sat in the front seat and my sisters son was in the back seat. We were on the way home and stopped at some restaurant where they wanted me to take a picture of different peoples cars. So I did one, but the next camera I couldn't see through the viewer enough to take a picture so we left and kept driving till we saw this weird house with a bunch of weird signs in front of it. So we exited and in the street were these weird automatic shopping cart looking things that were on these tracks built into the street. I turned into the drive that had a sign blocking it but there was still space from the angle I was at to drive into the drive. We drove up and parked but it was only someones personal house and everything was wide open, front door, windows and all that. The kids wanted to go in cause there was a weird swimming pool thing. So we went in and they started playing in the pool. The water was really weird and it had waves like at the beach and when I touched the sand after the waves moved back it was dry not wet and I grabbed a handfull and it was like it was wet cause it clumped up, but fell like it was dry when I opened my hand. So I grabbed another handful and threw it at my other arm and it stuck for a sec then still fell as if it was completely dry sand. Even when I put my hand in the water and pulled it out, my hand was still dry and that is when I told the boy I think its fake and we should leave. By this time I heard people in other rooms talking and we started to leave. Outside there was a kid with blood on him and he had lots of bandages and another boy that had blood coming out of his nose and mouth that looked dead until he moved. We got outside and there was this older lady asking what were we doing in there and saying that we had no business being in there. I turned around looking back at the house to explain why we were there and what we were doing and when I turned back it was a bunch of younger people with strange paint on their faces and on their clothes as well and they were saying the same thing the old lady said except they were a little more unruly. That's when I said ok we will leave and we're sorry. So we left and drove away, this time I had to run over the sign in the drive and then avoid the automatic shopping cart looking things. As we were driving, I kept thinking about that fake water stuff and how weird it was. Then, still in the dream, my phone buzzed and it was a friend of mine and that is when i woke up from the dream.

want to add that all my dreams have a very surreal feel and look to them and they're all usually also vivid and very......how do i put it.....real....like i can remember even the smallest of details such as the boy that had bandages on one of the bandages was stained looking like a yellowish color and there was a small sign that blood was becoming visible in it and there were strands of the string from the gauze sticking out of one end. he also he a small wrap bandage around his head. he had on a red and white shirt with jeans that were a dirty white color.

it's strange

you see the eyes are covered up with lies,
creating pain and passionate cries.
Deceit and defeat is what we're prepped for.
then you ask what is the score?
are we losing already?
can we at least have a life that is steady?
no cliff or cracks to fall in,
just a safe haven we can crawl in.

where else do i begin...when this life comes to an end
and the rules can no longer bend
to what we want or need.....
when there is no longer a soul to feed......love