4-9-15

and now you can see me standing there, waiting
you, watching and wondering
me, patiently standing, time does not exist for me
my ocean is deep but you wont drown
your ocean is just as deep and i feel fine
together we glide around and through the water
we fly and float through the air
through all the spaces and crevices of thought and dreams
we transcend space and time into dreams of eternal heaven

well, the spring time conundrum has arrived
the beauty of spring with the annoyance of allergies
beautiful flowers, green fields, blooms blooming
and the runny nose and watery, itchy eyes, the sneezes
ive been silent lately sort of like what i've written before:
"with nothing much to say, he remains silent on this day."
the wasps are busy today, the coming and going
they sometimes visit the window that i watch them from
investigating, foraging, a curiosity
the girl cat plays with a ball that i crafted for her
and the boy cat sleeps on my bed
well, this journey is not for everyone
we often stand confused, bewildered
we just have to understand that we'll never really have it all figured out
we just have to ad lib for the entirety of life
there is no "right" way, there is no "way it's supposed to be"
it's all just ad libbing and i say just go with it
fear is the main thing we should destroy
it doesn't matter if we die for it
it doesn't matter if we fall down
it's not the beginning or the end
it's all of the beauty of the in between
Ani DiFranco put it best:
"my body is borrowed, i got it on loan
for the time between my mom and some maggots."
sadly though, most people don't really see this
of course i don't have it figured out myself
i just share a view from my perspective
well, a nice rain has just started
the sound of a siren permeates the open windows
light thunder claps here n there, gently
the melodic rhythm of the drops
like an audible massage
well, i dream on, on into forests
into fields of flowers, into oceans of heaven
i hold on

3-24-15

and so the wasps have returned to the neighbor's roof
the scurrying and buzzing about, their coming and going
i noticed them a few days ago while daydreaming
no sign of them today though perhaps this is because of the
windy conditions today, which is quite nice
the cats are around, the boy cat sleeps in the back room
and the girl cat sits next to me watching with intent
she tapped my arm which scared me as it usually does, haha.
one would think i'd get used to it, but sadly it still scares me.
i've been enjoying the spring temperatures latelyall the windows opened, breezes flowing through the house
of course with that comes the touch of allergies
although, thankfully, they haven;t been that bad thus far.
i feel fine lately
i dream on.

the girl cat (chrissy) near my chair:

3-10-15

spring is on it's way now, temperatures on the rise
writer's block has made it's way back again
well, sort of, there's a few different things i've been working on
just nothing, as of yet, to put up on here
we are our worst critic or so the saying goes
well, im feeling good, a theme of things lately....eternally
a smile, a feather floating on spring breezes, a sound of heaven
in the ears, on the eyes, into the heart
well, the cats are here, the girl cats sits in my lap purring
the boy cat, probably in the back rooms somewhere, sleeping
they are funny, except of course when they leave the gift of
a hairball or vomit for me to find.
the mule (my car) has been acting up on me lately
work to be done, money to be spent, still wished i had that one car
anyway, i went to the irish festival here this past saturday
or the "gay rodeo" as one used to call it, haha.
annual irish stew, funnel cake, beer, and now chicken fried bacon
yes, chicken fried bacon, with gravy to dip it in. it was delicious
and so spring is welcomed with open arms
driving with the windows rolled down and music playing
well, once the mule is mended
those long drives, those carefree days, those dream like days
and i dream on, into the fields and oceans of eternal heaven

2-25-15

a beautiful day today, a warmth even though it's cold outside
with the ice and cold temperatures and winter's grasp clinging still
soon the arms of spring will come and embrace us and
everything with it's hug of warmth and growth and beauty
i'm feeling great today, positive mood welcomed with open arms
the ice is beautiful, the trees are beautiful, my current thoughts are too
well, the world is still crazy, the times, the things, and the hoopla
but it still has beauty, although usually not found in the confines
of society's grips, but free floating like a boat on ocean waters
madness induced madness, war inducing wars,
still lingers the eternal halls of heaven, free floating
the cats are around here some where, doing their usual cattery
with the eating, sleeping, pooping, and occasional puking
the girl cat sits at the foot of her scratching post, content
the boy cat is, surprisingly, watching out the bay window
usually, by now, he's found a spot on my bed to slumber away
the spontaneity of the mind of a cat, simplicity defined
ironically as i typed that last line the girl cat comes to
my chair and taps me on my right arm as she often does.
scared me and made me laugh at the same time,
which in turn scared her just a little
i have a new mix by a great musician Foxes in Fiction
keeping me company as i sit and write.
download it and have a listen:
http://foxesinfiction.ca/post/112088504231/foxes-in-fiction-live-wnyu-feb-24th-2015
anyway, i float on, i hover on, i dream on, dreaming of heaven

2-9-15

so, the birthday came and went, no difference really
spent the entire day alone, and then went out and spent
the evening into the night alone. then the weekend came
and wasn't much celebration outside of my mom's gathering
had the most beautiful of dreams last night as i slept.
the kind that you really really wished you could stay in.
the most beautiful of beauty, the most brilliant of brilliance,
the most amazing of amazement, yeah a solace it was.
temperatures here yesterday and today were beautiful
yet another hint of spring in the winters time
a definite welcome thing to have in my reality
well, im feeling ok, still smolders the warmth within
slightly tired physically but feeling ok
i still come to that spot in the field of green
that spot we used to sit and lay in time and time again
the tree that we planted still grows tall and green
sometimes i bring a chair and sit for a while watching
the birds and flowers and sparkles of light through the leaves
id like to lay down and nap in that spot
maybe one day wake up to heaven's smile
the warmth, oh the warmth, you know like the warmth
of the suns rays shining through the window on a cool chilly day
warming your arms and hands and face.
and you close your eyes and relish in the moment
well, the cats are around here....
the boy cat sits in the bay window and the girl cat
is playing with a plastic bag with elated excitement
pouncing and pawing and rolling around with it.
anyway, i wonder what tomorrow will bring.
dreaming the dream of dreams
and of heaven

2-3-15

tomorrow.......so tomorrow is my birthday
39 years thus far, here's to another 39
just hopefully they'll be easier than the first 39
birthdays, a child's fun day, an excuse day for an
adult to be a kid again....at least to act like one
the excuse for overindulgence and the likes.
i haven't actually celebrated my birthday in years,
at least the past 15 or so years.
my mom usually has a birthday lunch or dinner
for me, cooking up the meal of my choice
of course she does this for all of her kids as well as
for my dad.
for me it hasn't been something i celebrate much
not because i dont enjoy growing older and such,
but because of reasons that i will eventually
disclose here for those that read my ramblings of
emotion and feelings and sometimes just nonsense
well, it's a cool day, looking forward to the warmth
of spring time temperatures and the hydration of the air
perhaps the wasps in the neighbor's roof will return.
well, the girl cat is waiting for me to give her attention
sitting on the ground next to my chair.
the boy cat is probably asleep on my bed.
im not quite sure what tomorrow's activities will bring
but perhaps i'll do something outside of the norm for
a change....of course big change is something i think
im going to save for next year when the 40th mark is
achieved. perhaps a long trip on the road, traveling to
places i've never been, places i've never seen.
too bad i'd have to do it alone. i've always enjoyed
traveling more when it's with someone.
the sort of travels where there's no actual
destination, but rather just go and see where one
ends up. the beauty of possibilities and potential.
well, inside there's still a sadness, the heart still hurts,
but for now, i feel ok, a warm and decent mood
the clock on the wall ticks with a persistance so
strong that it's as if it's forcing me to get up and go
about my day. and so, off i go, on and on into the day
the weeks, the month, into the year, watching and waiting
i dream still, i push on, pushing uphill, both ways, barefeet,
and im happy to do it. i hold on, the reality of it all.

1-30-15 with more random thoughts going through my mind

A disappearance, sort of like a dance upon thoughts, 

thoughts that can drag on for ages and not actually age, 

and yet we still have no choice in turning the page.........in life.

i tire.....i tire for many reasons and many times over.

my heart hurts, my head hurts and i didn't even realize

that i have stubbed my toe once again.

feels as though the toenail has been torn and bleeding.

my mind dances, it dances the way a person may have

walked when they were forced to "walk the plank"

the effects of life is so bright that you can smell it

it's scent is so strong, you can feel it

it's sound is so powerful you can see it

it's happiest of days still brings the saddest of days

and on those saddest of days, we'd all like to be the happiest.

a disappearance, sort of like a thought in our minds

that fades slowly, the way the lights of an airplane in the night sky

slowly and surely fade to darkness.

the thought that fades but the memory remains

as do the emotions and feelings seared forever behind closed eyes,

behind opened eyes, behind crying eyes

still lingers the fingers of fantasy, of dreams and of happiness

here now, the malaise of better days trailing into the present

making that which is ongoing, that much more of a reckoning

the cruelest of the cruel, the most painful of pains,

the most struggling of struggles 

a lone child jumping in puddles after a rainstorm

oblivious to the mundane monotony of adult realities.

they're actually the ones that have it all figured out

we, as adults, like to think we do, but the older we get 

the further away from reality we become.

perhaps this is why Alzheimer's and dementia and other brain anomalies

come to us as we age.

cats have it figured out too, they understand what we wish, what we dream

what we'd like to hold in the palms of our hands

my old cat boogies visited my sleep dreams the other night
her soft soft long haired fur, her light purring, and small beads all over
the ground and carpets and floors of the room we were in.
a walk in the park, a nice country side drive, a car accident on a
busy downtown highway.

this initially started with the first 3 lines and was going to be solely built on them

but as i wrote the next 3 lines i noticed the thought traffic in my mind build up

so i decided to just dump them all as they came verbatim.

while doing that it felt like steps in a movement

so there it is unedited

a mixed up day today

it started normal and nice, then transformed into quite the lonely evening/night

nothing but the contents of my mind to keep me company

oh and the cats, although they're not around at the moment.

they're probably sleeping in their usual spots dreaming like we can not

it's difficult not to think about how life could be so much different

so much more beautiful and happy if only things had been different for me

the past few days were beautiful, unusually warm in the upper 70's to 

lower 80's and quite blustery a bit. like a spring day in the middle of winter

i have jeff bridges sleeping tapes with me right now and ive become quite

addicted to them....beautiful pieces of sound and voice taking me so
very deep into my dreams of heaven and love and beauty.

well, there's not much to it these days, just a cyclical repetition of days

anyhow, i dream on.......i dream on

have a listen: dreamingwithjeff.com/#_