untitled...my emotional thoughts

and so it has exploded from me once more
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again

written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it

 

12-14-2017

10:55pm
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you 
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones

they all say it

they all said i love you
and then gave me the opposite
one by one, each taking a piece of me with them
never once did i get to hear those words and
the words and the woman sticking true to them
all that remains is a hollow log of a man
waiting to be used for firewood
firewood that gets burned up by the next
one to come along and say those words
all i ever wanted is to be truly loved and
the woman to actually mean it
all i ever wanted is to be held
and that hold lasting forever
all i ever wanted is my face touched
and that touch lasting forever
i need that fresh air in my lungs
but instead i get the dust from when they're gone
there is one commonality here and that's me
i'm flawed and make mistakes
i'm sometimes dumb and do ignorant things
oh lord, is it that i'm cursed?
is it that i should perpetually feel the flames
of eternal sadness lapping at my face instead
of that gentle and beautiful touch
is it that i've been chosen to represent the
rejects, the down trodden, the suicide cases?
is it that i'm meant to wander down the empty halls
and streets forever?
are my hopes and dreams a form of torture
and the only times i get a reprieve
is when i'm unconscious?
ive hoped and dreamed of someone coming along
and saying to me i love you and then sticking by me
through it all till the end of my days
as i do with the ones i say i love you to
i love you, those all powerful words
will i ever get to hear them and see them play out forever?
or will i end up spending the last of my days in the
sorrowful arms of loneliness and broken heartedness
as the grim reaper comes knocking at my door?

written two weeks ago
the first time i've ever written something 
and felt it was truly complete when i 
stopped writing and looked at it

farewell

a collapse of worlds and dreams,
an echo of what once was
a compilation of emotions
i feel completely broken....destroyed
and of course with that comes the loneliness
well hell, it's holiday time now once again
another year gone the way of the wind
and oh how they go by so fast these days
and still the sadness remains
another heart break
each time my heart breaks i feel i lose some of it
so much so that now i feel like there's no
heart left to get broken
i've given it away so many times only for it to be handed back
with pieces missing and broken off
a hollow shell remains, the peanut shells of a bar
"oh he had so much to give and so much potential"
it's hard to wear your heart on your shoulders
while living inside of it, but that's all i knew
a cat's toy, pawed at and played with
just to be discarded
i am beyond tired, on every level
physically, mentally, emotionally, etc etc
i am tired of fighting for dreams and beauty
i think it's time for me to disappear now
the days push wearily on my shoulders
i'm not as strong as i once thought
as i once even felt
my mind is weakened and hurts, unable to bear the
burdens of the heart, aspirations, and of love
but perhaps that is due to my age growing
older and older
the dreams and aspirations i once had grow
dimmer and dimmer
some have even gone completely dark now
but the ones that remain are 
not as bright and vibrant as they once were
i don't bring the beauty and happiness to others
lives like i thought that i once did before
i think about this often, about the good that i've
brought to this world and to others lives
and there's not much that i can see or even any
proof that i've done good or left good impressions
oh how i wished things were different
eventually we all lose the fight
but i figure by now why fight for naught
the days of losing myself in bottles were easier
but even that required effort to do
giving up and disappearing is effortless
i only hope that loneliness doesn't follow me
even into this absence

been extraordinarily difficult 
recently and especially now
to those that want to stay in touch
message me on instagram
i'll be checking it for a short while longer 
before disappearing completely

the ones of the night

they roam at night, ready to strike.
with their hypnotic eyes and words and movements. 

tickling ones mind with all the things we think we'd like to find. 

their words and actions target the heart, the mind, 

the weakened soul that's taken some hits from their 

arrows, bullets, and bombs. a repetition of cycles. 

and so I sit here waiting for the next arrow to hit, 

the next bomb to drop on my target heart. 

watching them take aim, guns poised, skilled snipers. 

and by this middle age, oh how they've perfected their skill. 

i wonder how many confirmed kills they have, 

how many have fallen before. 

am I the next target for them to take out?
while my heart is in recovery from taking a direct hit from 

the sharpest of arrows, the full metal jacket,
the mother of all bombs. 

a direct hit.

came to me last night and posted it
but now cleaned it up a bit
and added the song

he told her

i was born to love you he told her
just before he ran his hands down her shoulders
and showed her his love in an embrace
he looked into her eyes and kissed her face
her lips
never could he have imagine a love so great
as he began to connect the dots that relate to fate
to the future
the connections made were immediate and flush
like Picasso painting a masterpiece with his brush
he summarized it over and over in his brain
the reasons why he went through all the pain
was because one day he'd meet her

and it's then that he'd see his future

written for someone long gone now
potentially not finished, but here it is

 

society

the world is crazy, people are ads in a magazine. 

we've lost humanity in a catch phrase, 

it explodes and spreads clinging to heartbeats and dreams,  

converting them to nightmares. 

the fires burn wild across the tempers of innocence. 

It's rage permeates likes sweat through a shirt.
the words I seek creep through the street, unseen by most 

their voices echos, as mine does, down the halls of stories untold

down the alleys ways of thought and memories

everyone is for sale if the price is right, a moment in time,
a memory, an explosion that slaughters hundreds.
Death is the reprieve, but there's no going back,
what's done is done. The final solution.
The finality of this mortal shell.These pleasantries,  these shoulder taps in passing,
the shit piles up under hooves, under words,
under emotions hidden by words, wrapped up in experience.
Gifted to those we "love". Everyone is for sale,  name the price,
selling ourselves out short, souls lost cry in vane.

deciding to post this after it has been 
hanging out in my drafts for a while
it still feels incomplete, very much so
but here it is anyway
maybe i'll come back to it and add more