12:12 AM or 00:12
i just want to live out my days in....
well hell, the broken record repeats again
still goes the melancholy ways most of the time
except today, the emotions and thoughts overflowed
again and flooded my entire body until the tears
were forced to flow out, those rivers of pain
i'll be forty two in a few weeks
and i'm weaker than most, i'll admit that fully
even weaker than anyone else even knows
all i can imagine are ways to flee from reality
not because of that age, that's actually a comfort to me
but because of the hunters, the arrows and bullets flying at me
the vials of poison tossed into my face
because of the weights and chains and traps that
keep me from flying high in the sky
flying high in dreams of eternal bliss
oh god, i want more than anything to be
swooped up and caressed as i'm carried high high high
into the most beautiful of skies
i want the all the things that everyone else takes full advantage of
without even a thought about how lucky they are to have
oh how i've dreamt of all those brilliant and beautiful things
they really don't know what they have
some of them do though, and those are the ones that fly the highest
the ones that understand and see clear
my pleas fall on deaf ears or rather they fall on the pavement of highways
blown around by passing cars, by winds, ran over and crushed by tires and weight
or they're grabbed up and held for a while and then tossed back on the ground
well, at least the birds still sing their songs
and, unfortunately, the dogs bark theirs as well, keeping me up sometimes
the noisy neighbors have a dog now, to add to the
already noisiness that comes from over there
when will the winds turn in my favor?
when will the birds sing me a song?
when will the laughter of sheer bliss grace my ears?
when will the brilliance of eternal love grace me with forever?
anyhow, the girl cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
as does the boy cat, they dream in ways
and i....well, like always, im just waiting to see what happens tomorrow
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
the glass
the glass sits on the table in the room
the house abandoned long ago
there are signs in the glass that the water that
was once in it evaporated slowly over time
dust has settled and collects in it
let the walls be blue since that was his favorite color
the paint is faded and chipped
dust has also settled on it discoloring it slightly
and there are spots on the wall where pictures once hung
and even signs of the broken and deteriorating pictures on the floor
the couch sits in communion with the broken windows
it's color faded to mere shades of various greys
leaves have gathered on the floor, blown in
in some corners the leaves too have begun to decay
and create soil spots where life could possibly grow from
in a back room are signs of a child's room
various abandoned toys lie on the floor
an old toy box and child's bed are there
as are leaves that were blown in
an old doll is there, lying on it's left side
it's eyes staring eternally into the wall with a small tree growing out of it
part of the wall and roof are collapsed from the tree's life
the front door to the house is covered with boards and nailed shut
in most every room are signs of people going in through the windows
and wasting time with cigarettes and booze, even some graffiti left
the rooms sing songs for the wind that blows through
and for a small moment he felt happy to be able to hear them sing
if it was up to him he'd stay there in that house forever
dreaming the most brilliant dreams while waiting for the rooms
to sing their songs again, even if only for a while
he imagines what the house was like before
what the people that lived there were like
and what they may have gone through
but oh does the rooms' songs sound so incredible beautiful
oh but there's only one sound that is the single most beautiful sound
of them all, but he can only dream of that anymore
and so he focuses on the abandoned house that he photographed once
when he was 22 and thinks of the songs it once sung
this is based off of a real abandoned house that i
went to and photographed about 20 years ago
and it's based off of how i feel lately
it came to me while listening to this song below
for best effect, play the song and read it while the song plays
and as always, thanks for reading
the house abandoned long ago
there are signs in the glass that the water that
was once in it evaporated slowly over time
dust has settled and collects in it
let the walls be blue since that was his favorite color
the paint is faded and chipped
dust has also settled on it discoloring it slightly
and there are spots on the wall where pictures once hung
and even signs of the broken and deteriorating pictures on the floor
the couch sits in communion with the broken windows
it's color faded to mere shades of various greys
leaves have gathered on the floor, blown in
in some corners the leaves too have begun to decay
and create soil spots where life could possibly grow from
in a back room are signs of a child's room
various abandoned toys lie on the floor
an old toy box and child's bed are there
as are leaves that were blown in
an old doll is there, lying on it's left side
it's eyes staring eternally into the wall with a small tree growing out of it
part of the wall and roof are collapsed from the tree's life
the front door to the house is covered with boards and nailed shut
in most every room are signs of people going in through the windows
and wasting time with cigarettes and booze, even some graffiti left
the rooms sing songs for the wind that blows through
and for a small moment he felt happy to be able to hear them sing
if it was up to him he'd stay there in that house forever
dreaming the most brilliant dreams while waiting for the rooms
to sing their songs again, even if only for a while
he imagines what the house was like before
what the people that lived there were like
and what they may have gone through
but oh does the rooms' songs sound so incredible beautiful
oh but there's only one sound that is the single most beautiful sound
of them all, but he can only dream of that anymore
and so he focuses on the abandoned house that he photographed once
when he was 22 and thinks of the songs it once sung
this is based off of a real abandoned house that i
went to and photographed about 20 years ago
and it's based off of how i feel lately
it came to me while listening to this song below
for best effect, play the song and read it while the song plays
and as always, thanks for reading
Sunday, January 14, 2018
i want to be free
im afraid to spread my wings and fly
the hunters will shoot me down dead
so i stay down in the shadows and hide
i watch life go by in small doses, mostly alone
and each time i've ever tried to fly even just a little
the hunters and hawks swoop in and cut my wings
they cut my wings mid flight so i fall and crash down
sometimes another comes to me and we fly together
mostly for short distances and in short spans of time
then they're gone as if the hunters took them away
and when i sleep i dream endlessly of beauty eternal
and when i day dream i try to stay there as long as possible
but always the reality of my world hits me hard
and my eyes fill with the emotions i keep hidden
i dream of being saved from the hunters
of being able to fly as high as i've always wanted to
as high as i've always dreamed of
i hope for someone to come that wont break my wings
someone that would love to fly as high as me
and that would love to fly the endless skies with me.
came to me a few minutes ago
thanks for reading
the hunters will shoot me down dead
so i stay down in the shadows and hide
i watch life go by in small doses, mostly alone
and each time i've ever tried to fly even just a little
the hunters and hawks swoop in and cut my wings
they cut my wings mid flight so i fall and crash down
sometimes another comes to me and we fly together
mostly for short distances and in short spans of time
then they're gone as if the hunters took them away
and when i sleep i dream endlessly of beauty eternal
and when i day dream i try to stay there as long as possible
but always the reality of my world hits me hard
and my eyes fill with the emotions i keep hidden
i dream of being saved from the hunters
of being able to fly as high as i've always wanted to
as high as i've always dreamed of
i hope for someone to come that wont break my wings
someone that would love to fly as high as me
and that would love to fly the endless skies with me.
came to me a few minutes ago
thanks for reading
Thursday, December 21, 2017
untitled...my emotional thoughts
and so it has exploded from me once more
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again
written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again
written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it
Thursday, December 14, 2017
12-14-2017
10:55pm
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
they all say it
they all said i love you
and then gave me the opposite
one by one, each taking a piece of me with them
never once did i get to hear those words and
the words and the woman sticking true to them
all that remains is a hollow log of a man
waiting to be used for firewood
firewood that gets burned up by the next
one to come along and say those words
all i ever wanted is to be truly loved and
the woman to actually mean it
all i ever wanted is to be held
and that hold lasting forever
all i ever wanted is my face touched
and that touch lasting forever
i need that fresh air in my lungs
but instead i get the dust from when they're gone
there is one commonality here and that's me
i'm flawed and make mistakes
i'm sometimes dumb and do ignorant things
oh lord, is it that i'm cursed?
is it that i should perpetually feel the flames
of eternal sadness lapping at my face instead
of that gentle and beautiful touch
is it that i've been chosen to represent the
rejects, the down trodden, the suicide cases?
is it that i'm meant to wander down the empty halls
and streets forever?
are my hopes and dreams a form of torture
and the only times i get a reprieve
is when i'm unconscious?
ive hoped and dreamed of someone coming along
and saying to me i love you and then sticking by me
through it all till the end of my days
as i do with the ones i say i love you to
i love you, those all powerful words
will i ever get to hear them and see them play out forever?
or will i end up spending the last of my days in the
sorrowful arms of loneliness and broken heartedness
as the grim reaper comes knocking at my door?
written two weeks ago
the first time i've ever written something
and felt it was truly complete when i
stopped writing and looked at it
and then gave me the opposite
one by one, each taking a piece of me with them
never once did i get to hear those words and
the words and the woman sticking true to them
all that remains is a hollow log of a man
waiting to be used for firewood
firewood that gets burned up by the next
one to come along and say those words
all i ever wanted is to be truly loved and
the woman to actually mean it
all i ever wanted is to be held
and that hold lasting forever
all i ever wanted is my face touched
and that touch lasting forever
i need that fresh air in my lungs
but instead i get the dust from when they're gone
there is one commonality here and that's me
i'm flawed and make mistakes
i'm sometimes dumb and do ignorant things
oh lord, is it that i'm cursed?
is it that i should perpetually feel the flames
of eternal sadness lapping at my face instead
of that gentle and beautiful touch
is it that i've been chosen to represent the
rejects, the down trodden, the suicide cases?
is it that i'm meant to wander down the empty halls
and streets forever?
are my hopes and dreams a form of torture
and the only times i get a reprieve
is when i'm unconscious?
ive hoped and dreamed of someone coming along
and saying to me i love you and then sticking by me
through it all till the end of my days
as i do with the ones i say i love you to
i love you, those all powerful words
will i ever get to hear them and see them play out forever?
or will i end up spending the last of my days in the
sorrowful arms of loneliness and broken heartedness
as the grim reaper comes knocking at my door?
written two weeks ago
the first time i've ever written something
and felt it was truly complete when i
stopped writing and looked at it
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
farewell
a collapse of worlds and dreams,
an echo of what once was
a compilation of emotions
i feel completely broken....destroyed
and of course with that comes the loneliness
well hell, it's holiday time now once again
another year gone the way of the wind
and oh how they go by so fast these days
and still the sadness remains
another heart break
each time my heart breaks i feel i lose some of it
so much so that now i feel like there's no
heart left to get broken
i've given it away so many times only for it to be handed back
with pieces missing and broken off
a hollow shell remains, the peanut shells of a bar
"oh he had so much to give and so much potential"
it's hard to wear your heart on your shoulders
while living inside of it, but that's all i knew
a cat's toy, pawed at and played with
just to be discarded
i am beyond tired, on every level
physically, mentally, emotionally, etc etc
i am tired of fighting for dreams and beauty
i think it's time for me to disappear now
the days push wearily on my shoulders
i'm not as strong as i once thought
as i once even felt
my mind is weakened and hurts, unable to bear the
burdens of the heart, aspirations, and of love
but perhaps that is due to my age growing
older and older
the dreams and aspirations i once had grow
dimmer and dimmer
some have even gone completely dark now
but the ones that remain are
not as bright and vibrant as they once were
i don't bring the beauty and happiness to others
lives like i thought that i once did before
i think about this often, about the good that i've
brought to this world and to others lives
and there's not much that i can see or even any
proof that i've done good or left good impressions
oh how i wished things were different
eventually we all lose the fight
but i figure by now why fight for naught
the days of losing myself in bottles were easier
but even that required effort to do
giving up and disappearing is effortless
i only hope that loneliness doesn't follow me
even into this absence
been extraordinarily difficult
recently and especially now
to those that want to stay in touch
message me on instagram
i'll be checking it for a short while longer
before disappearing completely
an echo of what once was
a compilation of emotions
i feel completely broken....destroyed
and of course with that comes the loneliness
well hell, it's holiday time now once again
another year gone the way of the wind
and oh how they go by so fast these days
and still the sadness remains
another heart break
each time my heart breaks i feel i lose some of it
so much so that now i feel like there's no
heart left to get broken
i've given it away so many times only for it to be handed back
with pieces missing and broken off
a hollow shell remains, the peanut shells of a bar
"oh he had so much to give and so much potential"
it's hard to wear your heart on your shoulders
while living inside of it, but that's all i knew
a cat's toy, pawed at and played with
just to be discarded
i am beyond tired, on every level
physically, mentally, emotionally, etc etc
i am tired of fighting for dreams and beauty
i think it's time for me to disappear now
the days push wearily on my shoulders
i'm not as strong as i once thought
as i once even felt
my mind is weakened and hurts, unable to bear the
burdens of the heart, aspirations, and of love
but perhaps that is due to my age growing
older and older
the dreams and aspirations i once had grow
dimmer and dimmer
some have even gone completely dark now
but the ones that remain are
not as bright and vibrant as they once were
i don't bring the beauty and happiness to others
lives like i thought that i once did before
i think about this often, about the good that i've
brought to this world and to others lives
and there's not much that i can see or even any
proof that i've done good or left good impressions
oh how i wished things were different
eventually we all lose the fight
but i figure by now why fight for naught
the days of losing myself in bottles were easier
but even that required effort to do
giving up and disappearing is effortless
i only hope that loneliness doesn't follow me
even into this absence
been extraordinarily difficult
recently and especially now
to those that want to stay in touch
message me on instagram
i'll be checking it for a short while longer
before disappearing completely
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