should it be rejection

should it be that i cry every time,
that i lie in defeat each time they walk away?
should it be that i suffocate in what could have been
in what might have happened if....
should it be that my purpose was set to be shrouded in misery,
in the rejection persistent throughout the duration of my life
should it be that i will always be inhaling the expirations of others?
should it be that i live through this life with nothing
or no one to call my own
i make my plea with the universe...PLEASE
should it be the life i seek will always be out of reach,
dangling a taunting tease with no end in sight
should it be that rejection will be with me forever,
that love will elude me and that tears and heartache are
the only thing to soothe me and soothe my mind
into patterns of habit and repetition
into tears and tears and more tears
into perpetual alone movie nights and an empty bed,
with no hugs or cares or smiles
will it be that rejection will be the mainstay that drives me to insanity
or perhaps to be used as a means to leave to escape
the chained and bonded way of things
i tire, i tire of the repetition the same results no matter the course
oh i've jumped off cliffs with hands free
into beds and lives that evade me
into dreams and fantasies that slip away from me
or are taken away from me, taken away
should it be, should it be,
should it be rejection

a little something that came to me tonight
after having a movie night solo
and with nothing but my mind to roam 

b_m from cabina on Vimeo.

the woman on Swiss Avenue

She turned the corner on a cross street, visibly upset. 

She was wearing jeans and boots with a tank top and a 

woman's style leather jacket. Her hair up was up and 

seemed groomed. She appeared clean and in good hygiene. 

Appearing to turn back and converse with no one as 

she was walking alone. She knocked on a garage door 

as she walked.  Three times she turned back and said 

something to no one before stopping in front of a 

dumpster, bending down for a while as though she 

were crying before rummaging through the dumpster 

and then talks at no one again before walking down 

Swiss Avenue towards the train station. She then 

begins to take her coat off and then throws it in the air. 

She turns around and walks back to the dumpster and 

grabs what appears to be a bigger coat and puts it on 

and walk back from the corner she came from. The coat 

appears to be dirty, old, and weathered. After a minute 

or so,  she comes back without a coat on any longer and 

then rummages through the clothes in the dumpster and 

puts on a large T-shirt with some design and words on 

it and proceeds to walk back around the corner she came 

from again. That T- shirt also appeared to be old and dirty. 

It's been thirty minutes now and there's no sign of her 

anymore, I wonder where she went and what her story is. 

Her original coat still lays in the street seemingly 

in a spotlight of the street light now shining brightly. 

saw this happen and, for some reason, 

my mind told me to write it out

8-27-2017 with: paper

did she destroy me? 

no, hardly, more like she wadded me up like paper. 

rather i wadded myself up in response to her absense

in response to the world around me

all i need is to be massaged with words, 

with hands and love and flatten me out gently 

so you can see me as i truly am. 

without the masks of wrinkles and mechanisms

that protect me from the very things i want most 

written on this day in 2014

once again, not sure if it's done or not

27-8-2017 19:06

well here i am, the thoughts and words are a jumble

the heart is sad and we are drifting

a log in a stream, a buoy at sea, a hot air balloon in the sky

the days grow shorter now as the sun tries to hide

sooner and sooner each day

tries to hide from all that it sees on this earth

all of the pain and aching hearts and brokenness

it's opposites day and we're all forced into this 

of course we all have the option of leaving

but then what about tomorrow?

i kind of enjoy this waiting to see what happens tomorrow

this idea that tomorrow might be the most brilliant of days

that the absolute most magical of days are yet to come

and that all my drifting and meandering and fighting

will not be in vain and all the tears wasted

and so i wait, i sit with my mind open and ready

my body poised to just go

and as always, my heart wide open

well, i feel sad and disheartened, that's all, staying positive

the girl cat lays on the couch in her usual spot for napping

and the boy cat lays in the bay window sleeping
i want to see skies like ive never seen before
i want to hear songs and laughter like ive never heard before
i want to love and be loved like never before
i want to soar in those skies of beauty forever
until then, well i am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow

i dream on

7-8-2017

it was an ordinary day as per custom
ate dinner with dad and ran into my mom
at the same restaurant so we all sat together
talked of this and that, the family goings on
well, i wished i could say everything is all better
that im overflowing with elation and good luck
that i met an amazing woman and love is here
i wished i could say that all my dreams and aspirations
have finally come to past and everything is wonderful
oh i dream, dont i, oh do i dream and wish
now dont get me wrong, im not all sad and dreary all the time
in fact most of the time i'm good to go
only those times at night alone, and even sometimes in a room
full of people, the loneliness, the thinking
the feelings, it can overwhelm
above everything else i wonder what will happen tomorrow
is there anyone else in this world that feels the same?
anyone else that understand this feeling of alone and sadness?
anyone that understands how i feel?
i just keep holding on
i watch those tomorrows come and then go
one after another, some eventful and others a bland repetition
my time has to come right? my turn for the happy and wonderful times?
oh well, same old thing here, not much to chime about
just the getting older and the repetition and the waiting
can't try to force things to happen that only happen the natural way
so i just wait to see what happens tomorrow
jeeze, i always sound like a broken record
it' funny i hate sounding like a broken record
i also hate sounding like i just regurgitated something else i've read
well, i feel ok, i guess, only some harsh pains in my left knee
the cats are up to their usual ways of carefree living
the girl cat lays in the middle of the room purring and content
the boy cat is in the back room somewhere, probably sleeping
and i, well i sit here typing all this nonsense out
i dream on, waiting to see what happens tomorrow

5-8-2017

well, it's been a while
im mostly dried up these days, with nothing to say
with only things to feel of the negative sort
so i bury them down and remain positive
i watch the seasons come and go
the cold, the warm, the hot, the cool, and the cold again
is it wrong for me to constantly think
about what will happen tomorrow?
life is so incredibly strange but beautiful
times changing worlds colliding
and i just watch from the side, waiting
waiting to see what happens tomorrow
maybe im a fool, a doltish one
or maybe my heart knows better than anything
knows better than even my own mind
maybe it sees better than my eyes see
my heart...my heart, oh god the pain though
the pain of a thousand lifetimes
and in a thousand different ways
the tears that have come from my eyes from the pain
could probably fill up countless swimming pools
the tears that come even now today as i type this out
just a simple release, a way of letting those tears fall
it's a crazy world we're in, a crazy time as well
a buildup, a building up to a point, so it seems to me
so i just watch, once again, watching to see what happens tomorrow
well, i feel ok, i guess, pretty much the same old thing
the neighbors are still noisy, no sign of the wasps anymore
perhaps they too wanted to get away from the noisiness
the girl cat sits next to me looking up at me
with eager attention and anticipation
the boy cat sleeps on my bed dreaming
i wonder
i dream
i want to see what happens tomorrow

1-12-17

well, it's the new year now, the holidays in recession
my birthday nears in a few weeks, nothing new there
another day, another year older, closer to the unknown
and so my mind is still the same, not much moving
around in there these days, spit out a few new "pieces"
of digital art, but those are as simple to create as eating pizza
today was a hard day, harder than usual,
the weight of a thousand thoughts piled on my mind
a thousand thoughts of a thousand lifetimes
been physically sick for the past few days
some kind of flu/upper respiratory infection type thing
there were two days of not being able to move much at all
didn;t eat for nearly 48 hours, but did drink a little
and still became very dehydrated with the chapped/cracking lips
body feeling ok now, but head and lungs still funky
the cough is brutal at times as well with the headaches and such
that and this state of mind and we're talking a real party here
well, the cats are up to their usual of this hour.
in the back room sleeping in ways we only dream of
my wings were clipped shortly after i was born
my body has only ever flown high up in the sky
when i had true, romantic, unconditional love
and ive only ever had that once.
and now i dream, i dream a dream eternally

some days

some days, i feel the pain of a thousand years
a thousand years of heartache, heartbreak, and loss
and oh do my eyes ache...ache so loudly
some days,  i feel the hopelessness of the orphaned child
the orphaned child that cries in the moonlit night
waiting, hoping for the bliss of adoption
some days, i feel the defeat of a conquered city
buildings crumbing and in ruins
smoldering pillars of smokes rising into the sky
some days, i feel the abandonment a that a pet
that was left behind in some random parking lot to fend for itself
a desperate clinging to any and all that come along
to get beat down or taken for granted
some days, i feel the pain
some days, i feel the hopelessness
some days, i feel the defeat
some days, i feel the abandonment
today, is one of those days

insomnia driven writing....well sadness and insomnia