9-23-2020 01:12

i was listening to this song
and became overwhelmed with thoughts
that i felt had to be spilled out here
for best results,
scroll down first and click play
then read

i've stubbed my toe on cemented thoughts,
as the sirens call from distant dreams
and like a lost cloud,
i float through eternity's embrace,
following the trails of those
who came before me
a wandering of souls in the wells
and beaches of infinity
clouds swirl with the wind's
paint brush strokes
as the sun cries in anguish
while it dazzles us with the magic
of it's setting rays on the horizon canvas
and all the while most heads are bent down
fixed on devices and at the artificiality
of "social medias"
too hypnotized to see the truth
to see the magic of real life
and so some of us have retreated
retreated to isolated days and ways
hiding away from the banality of
modern life, and the modern societal ways
and we have taken to talking to no one
and everyone that might see
i talk aloud to my cat,
i talk aloud to the television,
and I talk aloud to videos I watch online
as though I were talking to another person
a minds attempts to compensate for
the isolation of a year
the isolation of what seems like eternity
a windows view of an empty backyard
an aged chain link fence
of which is older than i am
i watch the changes of time
the trees and human interactions with nature
the cutting of tree limbs and grasses
the occasional pet that wanders along
and i watch in silence as, often times,
they are completely unaware of my presence
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
well, i guess most all of people
in this world are unaware of my presence
and perhaps that is just fine by me
as there are alot of hunters at the ready
slowly, dreams and aspirations seem to
be getting buried into nothingness
buried down and forgotten
as the blur of time and isolation
pours heavy the soils of absence
the weather has been beautiful
for the past two days
rainy overcast skies and cool temperatures
the suns light behind clouds of beauty
pouring it's soul out onto the earth
almost like a middle aged man
in an empty room pouring his soul out
on here for all to see

searching

completely undecided on this
i like and dislike it
and i think it is finished
and also unfinished
as per custom, scroll down
and click play first,
then read

look out across this field
don't you see?
don't you know?
you were out there searching too
wasn't too long ago
we've all been here searching
but there are no answers there
no answers between the blades of grass
that sway in the winds of words
no answer to pick from the flower stalks
or from the branches of trees
that dance in the sun's spotlight
painted mountains glow
feathered clouds hover
follow the blade of grass that
beckons the way to nowhere
follow the chirp of birds
to swirl around in circles
you must see this, don't you?
searching infinitesimally
you were out there searching too
out among the others
searching for something that
we cant quite figure out
searching for the answers to questions
we've asked before
questions we don't yet understand
questions that we're not even aware of yet
looking for something to soothe the pains
of wounds, that often times,
we don't even remember
searching down mental corridors
down the late night city streets
and dance floor fantasies
searching at the bottom of bottles
bottles of forgetfulness or shame
to help us even forget our own names
to forget ourselves
falling down into beds of despair
into the webs woven by others
to trap and confine within the needs
of someone else also searching
saying all the right things
tickling all the right places in the heart
of dreams eternal
and when one of us falls
another comes behind us searching
searching in the same places
and in the same ways
making the same mistakes
or getting destroyed in the same ways
and a single blade of grass falls to the dirt
falls to the dirt

9/9/2020

scroll down first and click play
if it is not autoplaying
and then read, thanks for your attention

the days are growing shorter
as the sun is starting to set earlier
isolation with no inspiration
words trapped in cycles
flowing in circles
cold wind begins to blow
a sliver of feathery clouds in midnight skies
my favorite times were always
driving around between 3am and 5am
roads were quiet and with soothing aesthetics
oh how comforting it felt then
alone driving with beautiful sounds
empty roads while the city sleeps
the blanket of darkness and twinkling stars
and yet it was especially magical
during the cooler seasons
overcast skies with hints of the moon
taking a peak down on us weary wanderers
meandering around in the late night early morning
oh how i miss that comfort
comfort
rare are the days of late when comfort visits me
null are the days when my heart feels the warmth
of love and elation
i feel lost
huh, i feel worse than lost
a man with no meaning
no purpose and flawed design
i once thought to love might have
been my purpose
and indeed somewhere inside,
i think maybe it still is
but my view for the past year and some months
has been so far away
like being on the top floor of a very tall building
looking out from the observation floor
to the horizon, trying to see it out there
always wondering if i can fly as i gaze
some days i wonder what a jump like that would feel like
i had a dream about it the other night
would time seemingly stand still while falling
what thoughts would flood the mind
or would it be the first time to be free of thought
well, it was a comfort back then
to enjoy a night out on the town,
and then to go up to the top of a building downtown
and watching the horizon with the night sky
i often wonder why the night sky and
night time city lights seem so intriguing
why my favorite days are with
overcast skies and cool temperatures
why my path was always against the norm
if everyone was doing this one thing
i was always opposite of it
.....those paths are the loneliest and most narrow
why i couldn't ever conform to the norms
conformity always felt and still does feel
so bland and totally monotonous
oh, i've imagined many times over
how different life would be
am sure my path would be wide and filled with plenty
those thoughts always seem like just
another musing on purposelessness
oh, there's so many things, though, that i'd
like to do, places i'd like to go
distances i'd like to drive to
during the beauty of star lit skies and empty roads
the soothing comfort
driving endlessly
no destination, no plan
and oh how magical it would be to have
someone by my side that cared and loved me
we don't know loneliness until
we've been without human contact
without anything and everything
pertaining to friendship
or to love
we need love, we need friendship
as i've sat in this isolation
i've felt as a withering flower must feel
in an empty vase, on an empty table
and in an empty room of an empty house
energy withers, will is non-existent
i cant help but to cry
to feel all the emotions of my whole life
well up whilst in this isolation
the fear of everyone and everything
the overwhelming sound of thoughts
wrapped around my neck
choking the life of dreams and desires
out of my mind and into the tears of sadness
that flow down my worn cheeks
and to notice how heavy it feels to inhale and exhale
how heavy it feels to just be
a child is born, bringing happiness and joy
a lonely homeless man with out a past or future dies
and yes, a middle aged reclusive man
sits in an empty room spilling his heart out

lost in thought

for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not autoplaying
and then read

lost in thought
like being in a darkened candle lit library
and as for him, he sits in an empty room
with walls like coffin lids
and time ticks not by the hands of a clock
but rather by sun beam awakenings of morning
and by the rising and falling of his chest with each breath
maybe more like frozen in time
while time passes still
staring into the emptiness
of the corners of the ceiling
random memories, thoughts from the past
bubbling like carbonation in cans of soda
those friendship days
those encapsulated in love days
those days were nice
traded for the isolation days
those remembering human contact days
those deafening silence days
no conversations, no warm body
oh he dreams sometimes
....he still wonders why she still visits him in his dreams
dreams that remind him of what once was
and that is no longer
dreams that make him question everything
the very minute he wakes up
and also dreams that bring the sadness of his heart to life
lost in thought
lost like once when he was in single digit age range
he got lost at the local mall
separated from his mother
oh how incredibly immense it seemed
and how tiny and small he felt
too few are the memories of his childhood
lost in thought

perception

a randomness of thoughts
as always scroll down and click play first,
then read

a drive down dark and desolate roads
nothing but a haze of the days pain
he was searching for death, you see
driving around for hours
getting lost on purpose
the rare street light giving it's yellow light
it went from daylight to night as he drove
sometimes it's nice to get away and think
he used to think that anyway
now it's just best to stay hidden away
what a strange thing perception is
how easily it can change
to see in one light,
and yet see it again in another.
funny thing to see it also change a
person's emotional state towards things.
every thought a picture
every view a stage
perception
what does a year's worth of isolation do?
how does it change perception?
and which view is/was the "right" view?
a year's worth of isolation
well, actually a year and one month
emotions? i may have forgotten them
rarely ever a laugh or a tear
mostly a state of nothing
but in that nothing, there's no pain
no chance for the hunters to have their way
no chance for the tiny slither of what
is left of my heart to get shattered again
a full year and one month and it went by
in a blur of repetition
a repetition that makes you forget days
and weeks, even months go by unnoticed
till the summer heat arrived
and gave a simple reminder of the days
oblivious to perception at times
oblivious to himself
and it's sometimes obvious to him
of the negatives of things
a full year wasted, one more year older
the extremity of no real human interaction
until a few days ago when two contacted him
that perception or view was welcomed
there's that word again, perception
eyes see and minds think
thoughts sink and emotions rise
perception

thought collage - a journal entry

this has sat, unnoticed, in my drafts
for well over a year now
not sure about it, but here it is
scroll down and click play,
then read 

he sits weakened, arms weak and head heavy
coughing and sinus congestion reign supreme
neighborhood dogs destroy his solace in silence
they perform a tag team ballet destroying peace
destroying sleep and sanity
unchecked cacophony of barking
day after day a non stop barrage
a cup spilling over from being filled up too much
the sun and the birds are oblivious to these things
they fly in skies of beauty in peaceful melodies
the clouds showing them the way to bliss and magic
all together they form a unison of solace
a dream for the broken down and weary wanderers
and let's not forget the trees and plants
waving and swaying in the magic of cool breezes
he watches them with a heavy heart
watches their dance, their contentments
.....a struggle to focus on things
powerless is putting it very lightly
the way a battery powered toy must feel with no batteries
a car with no gas
a hungry child with no food
he sat for a moment and thought
"how can people live in the world and not know that
simple things like an unruly, barking dog can
completely destroy the peace and solace in a persons world?"
a vacation or evacuation
i must be missing something here
ahh, once again he's done it
he sometimes slips up and says i instead of he
he is more flawed than good these days
OBSOLETE

fading days, time lost 8-13-2020

written a few days ago,
but only now posting
since i can not decide
if it is finished or not
as usual, scroll down
and click play, then read.

 

dry eyes and a weary countenance
absent thoughts or a torrent of them
i still drown when i focus on them too much
love is an echo down a big and deep canyon
can you hear it?
i've forgotten what it sounds like
hung across dreams of old
lost in a distant memory of fading days
a plateau of collected and faded memories
dim are the lights in present days
a blur of repetition
the days fly by like rockets into space
a fading of me into the past
into the lonely shores of time lost
time lost....
like a lost toy, lost car keys, a lost child
fading days, yeah
no stars in the sky of loneliness
no affirmations or pleasantries
extreme isolation
a cold embrace of nothing
no warmth of another
no fracture of the rooms' silence 
fading days and time lost

well, it's been a while
my boy cat sam died while on the way to the vet
he became too weak to move
around and eat anymore
inevitability
death will come to us all
the girl cat still goes on dreaming in her ways
and as for me? well let me see
i went from one extreme to the exact opposite
a people person to being afraid of people
a socialite to an extreme shut-in hermit
an interaction of futility at best
living life through small glimpses from
bedroom and living room windows
i've removed any and all social medias from my phone
was just a musing on purposelessness after all
i also no longer watch or read ANY news at all
not that i ever really paid much attention to it anyway
to be honest i think everyone should take some time
disconnected for a bit and get back to true reality
my health wavers although i don't know for certain
since i haven't really been to a doctor in years and years
but from some of the symptoms ive felt the past month or two
i'd definitely say something was amiss
well, the future is so damned uncertain for me
sometimes it is unnerving to me as well.
but most days im indifferent to it all
if no one has ever fought for me,
why should i fight for myself?
misguided youth that dissolved into adulthood
yes that's me, the non conformist with the long hair
just hiding in the shadows of the bedroom walls
and perhaps in the distant and fading memory of others
those that knew me.