2-21-2021 11:40pm

originally started on the 21st
of february and never finished
just sat in my drafts till now
i kind of dislike it somewhat
and im not quite sure why
decided to just post it now anyway
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diluted minds, like medicine in water,
ripple echoing outwards
or like ice in a drink
slowly diluting the flavor
and like in laboratories 
rats sit in cages waiting
for the next experiment
the next test to see what results come
the gift of life on this planet
rarely understood by most
tossed aside for the self and selfish ways
tossed aside for the me right now
never mind that we don't last long
that life comes and goes abruptly
a sudden start and a sudden end
like turning the light on or off in a room
...like lights in a room
yet, we've reached an impasse
and we're also past the point of no return
living through devices and systems of control that 
twist the mind and choke love out
not remembering the fact that
whatever we focus our minds on intently
that is exactly what our minds and lives will emulate
input and output
eat bad food become in bad health
well, the strings are pulled and the people dance
and then they complain
and when the strings are cut and the people are free
they also complain
content in their malcontentment
and the cat sleeps in the suns rays
the child plays with nothing else in existence
in that moment that they play
the bird flies and sings it's song
the grasses and flowers that dance in springs
affirmation of potential
and the leaves that sprout from branches
of trees that dance with the winds lead
and we.....we poke and prod each other
we stab and destroy each other
we gaze and glare with hate filled flare
never realizing the truth
never seeing the hands that guide us
to that kind of defeat
well, the temperatures went from frozen to nearly
hot and then to cool,
and i? i sat in the same room with the same four
walls in the same fluctuation of thoughts and emotions
reminding me of eternity's call
as the day's light taps my eye lids to open like flowers 
in springs bloom
after another midnights passing
i feel melancholy most days
with the occasional lonely and sad day
and my dreams still occasionally poke and prod
me to tears as i wake
and the girl cat still lives and dreams in ways 
that would be a magic unto my aching mind
that would be a comfort to my broken and worn down heart
my eyes grow heavy 
hopefully i will dream heavily into worlds of beauty

Benoît Pioulard · Stone In Focus [Aphex Twin cover]

random memories

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this came to me suddenly
after thinking of various 
periods of time in my life
thanks for reading

my face pressed between the granite slate tiles
of the floor and the bottom edge of the door
talking through the gap into the hall
with tears puddling on the floor
wetting my cheek as i spoke out or cried
and to sometimes fall asleep there 
i could feel the texture of the paint
on the edge of the bottom of the door
and the roughness behind it of the raw wood
you see, i was grounded until my next report card
and so it was either call out from under the door
or go to the window and call mourning doves
to the neighbors roof
i think once i had counted 13 of them
that had come to visit me and find where the calls
were coming from, only to be met with disappointment
nothing but a mere boy cupping his hands and calling them
that would sometimes come and just sit there on 
the neighbor's roof and sometimes still they would 
call to me in return and we'd converse
sometimes i was grounded back to back for seemingly
months due to bringing up one grade
just to have another grade drop
but the birds helped in a way
and yet at the same time they also made me sad as well
maybe one day ill try this again...to see if i can still 
gather birds nearby
once being held by the chest up again a wall
with the roar of anger growling my hair back
and eyes that seared like laser beams through
my head, into my heart,  and into my being
and then to be let go and allowed to drop to the ground
"you're an idiot!"
you're an idiot....kind of ironic i would often times, 
later on in life of course, call myself an idiot
yes, i often times struggled to maintain my grades
i found it either difficult or that i was distracted so
completely due to lack of interest or 
finding myself getting totally lost in a picture of the 
first space station of the usa that was once in space called Skylab
i often times found that i would get an immense feeling
from looking at the picture of it
like something was pulling at my soul
i never was able to understand what that meant 
or why it used to happen
i would also get a similar feeling when looking at
those tall radio/television towers that you sometimes
see outside the big cities in the rural outskirts
oh well, nothing but scars to show for these days
albeit in the form of emotional scars
all i ever wanted is to be loved
heck even now, that's all i want
i just want to be loved
ah hell, perhaps by now, and after all this time,
i'm not loveable anymore
or maybe i'm just an idiot...
...just an idiot

murkok · Magic Sunset

4-13-2021 11:25pm

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warm blood into a cold heart
cold wind on warm skin
around in circles like ball bearings
'twas an uneventful day
i mowed the grass and edged 
first the backyard, and then the front
those first two lines going
through my mind in circles
during the entire time
sometimes in a variation
i was undecided on why it was
and rather neutral about it as well
but throughout the day,
off and on, it would enter my mind
so i figured why not write it out
and it's funny that nothing else came
to mind along with it,
just those two lines and nothing more
anyway, i see the world from afar
so distanced i am
seems as if i were on a mountain
peak looking down into a valley
a valley where a city sits
i can't see the people,
but i can see the lights of activity
movements of lights
turning off or on
some days ago, i forced myself 
to go to the grocery store
my eye fixed on signs 
almost unaware of the other people
that were in the store
until i nearly bumped into one
to which i promptly apologized 
and nodded my head 
and quickly walked on 
i only saw that they had white shoes on
as of late i no longer imagine others
in the way i used to
see someone and think of who they are
and what they may have been through
i just keep my head down
i do miss a nice stroll through a park
sitting on a park bench
and just being a human being
smiling at people that might walk by
oh but the conflict is harsh
go out and live so that history can repeat
or stay sheltered and lonely
safe from even more damage to my
already mangled feelings and emotions
i sometimes think, whenever i see my 
birth certificate, that i shouldn't have been born
i think about all the mistakes and bad decisions
ive made throughout my life
i think about some of my inabilities
and i think about how my mind is
the intricacies of how i think and what i think
it's also sad for me to think, im even somewhat
fearful of going to a counselor
of opening up to someone just to get tossed aside
or to just be looked at as just a case file in a cabinet
as has happened to me my entire life
as a toddler, wanting and needing attention from mom,
but because mom was busy with newborn sister,
she had not the time to deal with me
and i would always fall asleep on the floor
and as i got older, with women, needing and wanting love
needing and wanting acceptance and affection from them
but just getting left behind picking up the pieces of my heart
and then some of the abuse from back then 
all various ways/forms of abuse
oh well, my eyes are tired and my mind aches
the cat begs for bedtime petting and attention
attention that i give gladly since i know how it feels to want
attention, to want love, and acceptance, and yet to get none
well, i enjoy the spring season with the warmer temperatures
and the sounds of life springing back into order
albeit, from the view of a bedroom window
and mostly only through the sound of it
with the occasional glance outside
an occasional glance outside
well, the mind is such a strange thing
the world and life is such an incredibly strange thing
the ins and outs, ups and downs
the ebbs and flows
birth and death
such a strange thing
as for me it feels like im an alien
visiting a foreign planet
the alien observer
to borrow a song title
from an artist called Grouper
alien observer
kind of fitting and also such a good song
alas, the cat and my bed call me to them
here's to hoping i sleep through the entire night
as another midnight passes by

moshimoss · Nils Frahm - Less (moshimoss remix)

even my loneliness must feel lonely

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i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely

3-7-2021 11:45 pm

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i can hear the rumbling of a train
running down the tracks not too far from here
my mind wonders if there's any 
train jumpers or hobos as they were once called
i wonder what they're thinking
the street here is busier than usual
for a Sunday night
with some rumbling of loud trucks n cars
all of which seem to have something to prove
to people that, are mostly, unaware of them
or the boom boom from their stereos 
that they, seemingly, want you to hear
i can feel time ticking in the air
each second that passes
like when wind blows on your skin
my view is out of a window encased in
one of four walls that i am encased in
but no crown jewels here
nothing sacred or precious
nothing more than chewed bubble gum
but i digress
sometimes a neighborhood cats visits me
in passing, sometimes aware of my presence
and other times unaware
but i wish it well with a whisper in the air
there's a few cats that come by like that
but only the one that comes regularly
i sit with my mind and thoughts like rocks
rocks and stone formations that
with time, are carved into ways and shapes
carved by winds or by waters 
my mind carved
carved by words and punishments
by abuses and reactions and responses
my lines are cut deep
and again i digress
i watch and wonder as days go by 
like the minute hand on a clock
my reclusiveness seems to be
getting even more reclusive
with each rising and setting of the sun
my words also elude me as
i elude this world and society
like a ship at sea in the thickest of fogs
and nothing but the sound of the distant foghorn
to soothe the loneliness that hovers in the fog
i've watched seasons come and go
clouds form and then float away
i've watched the storms and rains come and go
i rarely ever see another person,
i only hear their sounds
i do miss seeing another persons eyes
and the pulses of emotions that lie within them
i miss seeing the steps they've took
that have led them into eternity's light
i sometimes will touch my own arm
to try to remember how a persons touch feels
and to try to remember what it is like to touch someone elses arm
i've watched leaves break off and fall to the ground
and then watched those leaves slowly decay
or wake up to see that the wind has carried a leaf away
i sit here alone typing words in the same fashion
a thought or emotion or feeling dropped here
like leaves from a tree 
leaves that get swept away into eventual nothingness
loneliness, well, let me think, i don't think i or
any of us actually knows what that means
what are words with no meaning?
what are lives with no love?
what are men or women with, seemingly, no purpose?
what is an injured animal that has crawled off to hide?
well, i feel sad these days
i feel deprived....of what exactly i've no idea
but am sure it is a deprivation of everything
but mostly a deprivation of socialization and of love
and as per custom, the shades of repetition that i paint
with my words and thoughts, don't vary much
they try to describe the view of my analytic eyes
i sometimes stop to listen for the sound of wind blowing
to know the world is still moving perhaps
yes, i still talk aloud to the television and to my cat
and i complain to no one as if someone 
is here to hear me and care
i can hear the sound of an airplane flying in the sky
can't help but to wonder who is on it and where they're going
what lives they live and what pains they've felt
i wonder if they have grieved loss as i have
i wonder if they're going on vacation to some beautiful magical land
the kind of places where dreams live
far far away from four walls with a window
and a lonely, defeated man who sits
watching life pass through glimpses out a window
watching life pass like the tears from his eyes
that are a constant flow
these days, i often times think, i don't deserve to
have the beauty of friendship or of love
the support of a friend or of a love
that, perhaps, i deserve the loneliness
that i deserve each and every pain that i've ever felt
i live, now, scared of it all, but i dream of doing
kind things for others
going out of my way to show kindness to this world
or spreading love and kindness that this world
so desperately needs
the fear remains from the last time 
from the last time i opened my heart wide
for a friend, for love, for companionship
and was only handed back remnants of my heart's contents
and so i rock back n forth in a chair and watch life pass by
and i feel the loneliness that is only written about in a few books
or in a blog of a middle aged man encased in the cold grasp
of isolation...the kind that eternity forgot
the kind that eternity forgot
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
but i digress
i can hear the bed calling my name
by the vibrations of my body
and the tiredness of my eyes and mind
as another midnight passes by 
another midnight passes me by
......oh 
           how lonely
                              i feel

2-9-2021 11:32pm

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i felt weak yesterday
and had pressure in my chest visit me
my head felt pressure as well
alot of forgetfulness lately as well
like some kind of cloud and darkened corners
i got up and took a few steps
and seemingly felt an intense feeling 
of why in the world did i stand up?
took a while to finally remember
i wanted something to drink
and this day the words escape me
a summarization of thoughts
and words or emotions into lines
that bleed like an open wound
blood that seeps out the way
powder trickles down in an hour glass
or the wisps of dust that stir from someone 
quickly walking by
an age of ways and words that curl like hair
circling back upon them selves
alone in rooms of crowded silence
and the creeping of the hands of a clock
explaining to us all inevitability
well, another birthday came and went
another year that raced by in a blur
i feel lonely but ok for now
my head rings and feels pressured
my mind is clouded and foggy
a chilly night this night
although it's quiet and calm
two or three nights of interrupted sleep
and somewhere a person is laying
on a beach in the sun enjoying
the sun's embrace and warming rays
oh why must my brain be as it is
it's funny though i took the 
Myers-Briggs personality test 
out of boredom the other night
and i went from an ENTJ to an INFJ
of which is apparently the rare type
is that what a few years of isolation does?
or perhaps a life's worth of abuse, 
rejection, and failures?
oh well, nothing lasts forever as the saying goes
the cold bed calls and i'm tired
another midnight has arrived 
and now quickly goes by
into the spaces of eternity
one day i say
one day i'll rise like the tide 
one day, but not this day

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

1-27-2021 11:04pm

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let me see here
just what is melancholy
what is it when you're disconnected
from feeling anything at all
like lost in fog so thick you cant 
see anything else except fog
and for some reason it reminds me of
a recurring dream i used to have as a child
i'm laying in a bed and the sky is blackened
with a slight dark dark red hue to it
there's two massive objects in the sky above
one on each side of me
they're like darkened grey rocks
sometimes i could see myself laying
on the bed below and other times i couldn't
but when i could see myself,
the bed was seemingly in a spotlight
or just lit up a little brighter than everything else
sometimes i'd hear a voice whispering
sometimes it was a male voice, other times a female voice
and sometimes still the voice seemed neither male or female
sometimes i couldn't actually hear what was being said 
other times i'd hear it's ok or it will be ok
there was a thin line or wire connecting the two 
rock like objects in the sky
the object on the right would form a hole
right where the line connected
and a marble looking object would roll out
and begin rolling towards the left object
once it got to it, it would begin rolling back
and each time it got to the object on the right
the line would get a little more slack in it
so that the line started to droop down
and no matter how much slack was in the line
the marble object never got any faster or slower
and right when the line was getting close to me,
the object on the right side would turn into a hand
and grab the marble object with it's pinky finger
and then grab the line and straighten it out and form solid
again, then the hole would form again for the marble to begin
rolling again and it would repeat this until i woke
all the while i would feel like my body was immensely massive
and myself or my soul felt microscopic
like i could feel myself inside my body
strange dream....not as strange as the ritalin induced dreams
i had back then...they were something like old screensavers
from like windows 95 or something
crazy patterns and colours and like television snow
constantly changing and moving and morphing
yes, i had those dreams, as strange as it sounds, even to me 
they were also recurring dreams
what's it like to deeply know as a child that something
about a tiny pill was bad and caused me to, psychologically,
have trouble swallowing it
as if to subconsciously know it was bad for me
and from then on i had trouble taking most any pills
unless i took them with a meal
although now i just prefer taking a pill with meals to 
prevent upset stomach and such
it was because i didn't quite learn like the rest, you see
hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder...or so they called it
was an uneventful day today
a repetition of the same blurred days
i'm still under the melancholy haze
the girl cat is in another room somewhere probably 
sleeping and dreaming like i only wished i could
i still walk like a plastic bag in the wind
and it's strange, even though i feel melancholy completely
i still "co-exist" with loneliness like it's here with me
even though i don't feel it....such a strange feeling indeed
my thoughts are like a book with all the pages being blank
absent of words or form...like looking into the thickest of fog
i'm being soothed by the song i put at the bottom
it's been on repeat for the past 2 or 3 days now
and played all day as well
i feel it resonate with me for some reason and in some way
and words have escaped me as to why or how
the words escape me in general now
perhaps it's because the bed calls for me
to come and warm it up
maybe i'll dream a strange one this night
this night as another midnight passes by